People tell me Stephen Miller is smooth down there, like a Ken doll. That’s what people tell me, so it’s true.

I reject your reality and substitute my own. The Pop-Tarts of my youth were perfect!

I had this moment of, I don’t know, clarity? Introspection? The other day I went into the supermarket to buy frozen french fries. Half the frozen french fry section was empty and there were still a dozen different options to choose from. Something about that really put the American supermarket phenomenon into…

I recently ate Pop Tarts for the first time in maybe 20 years. They don’t put as much frosting on them as they used to. When I was a kid, the frosting went edge to edge; now there’s a good 1/2 inch of exposed, flavorless crust left over after you break one into four pieces and work from the middle to the side.…

There’s no conundrum. Having to vote for Joe Biden fucking sucks. And it sucks that we keep ending up in these “lesser of two evils” situations. But the awful reality is that we have to momentarily set aside this awful thing he allegedly did and vote for the one option who won’t continue to destroy the entire country…

I hope Oprah invites Jenny McCarthy as a guest speaker:

I was a weekly Trader Joe’s shopper (~$200 for my family). But the last time I went (a month ago), they were only letting 50 people in at a time and everyone was STILL crowded in the pasta and peanut butter aisle. Now I use Hannaford-to-Go and it’s been pretty good. Ahold Delhaize has north of 2,000 supermarkets in…

Sociopaths come in all shapes and sizes.

Keep typing double-spaces between sentences. It makes it easier to know who the sociopaths are. Like wearing a MAGA hat or flying a Confederate flag or playing Drake songs loudly enough for others to hear.

Makes sense. The rest of us are already involved in a nationwide reenactment of Occupy Wall Street—sitting around, pretending to be busy but actually accomplishing very little, waiting for a leader to emerge who can pass our purity test and can mobilize us to real action, knowing that leader will never come.

Credit card debt, just like when Bush sent me a check.

Credit card debt, just like when Bush sent me a check.

Fallon, Kimmel, and Colbert aren’t interchangeable—they’re an evolutionary chart.

The only thing I’ll put my health at risk for is to get rid of this asshole in November.

If you’re hoping for justice, it’s not coming. McConnell will live to a ripe old age and enjoy a comfortable, consequence-free existence until he dies peacefully in his sleep at 102. The best we can hope for is that he gets voted out of office and we start doing the hard work of cleaning up the mess he’s made. 

Biden and Trump are the same in one way: they both run on a return to the past. For Trump it’s “Remember the good old days before a black guy was president?” For Biden it’s “Remember the good old days before a spiteful idiot was president?” Both options are a step back, but if those are the only choices, I choose the…

Male lions sleep 23 hours a day while the lionesses hunt and raise the cubs. They wake up occasionally to roar, eat, and fuck. Male lions are self-centered assholes.

I was reading a review of Mrs. America that made the point that while liberals are content to control the culture conservatives are busy amassing political power. Basically, we can pat ourselves on the back all we want that two men kissing on TV is fairly normalized—meanwhile, the ERA never got passed. Government…

I’m not dealing with financial hardship, but I have both student loans and credit card debt. Does it make sense to take the forbearance and use the monthly amount I usually put to my student loans to instead pay extra to my credit card for the duration of the forbearance?

With the growing concern of a Corona resurgence in the fall and polling places being the perfect breeding ground for spreading a virus, I’ve adopted a simple motto:

Even if we are both now married with kids, live 250 miles apart, she works as a nurse in Brooklyn, and I just want to send her a quick “Hope you’re staying safe as can be” message?