You mean if they turn out to be, like, a centrist or something? I mean, I guess I’d still technically love them. But they’ll have to move out to the shed so Pops can have the house for his radical pinko ranting.

My in-laws would load their dishwasher and then let their dog lick all the dishes before running it. Didn’t matter what kind of food was on there or if the dirty dishes had sat in there for a day or two. Lick lick lick.

I live in Portland, which is the only place I could live. It gets real redneck real fast the further you get from the peninsula. In fact, I partially picked my neighborhood based on voting stats on Obama (2012) and same sex marriage. Even in Portland, other neighborhoods were, uh, significantly less progressive.

Was going to say the same thing. The way she walked and posed all felt very self-consciously orchestrated in a way that only influencers arrange things. Her name will be “leaked,” and then her follows will explode.

I don’t live in Queens anymore. I live in Maine, which is basically like the coast of nowhere. And my house was built in 1960. My three biggest problems are: 1) I’m not mechanically inclined, like, at all; 2) dealing with all the upkeep basically consumes every weekend, which would be fine if I considered being handy…

No no no no no. Have you ever watched Daniel Tiger? He’s the worst. Every episode is the same: Daniel is introduced to a life problem. Daniel has a paralyzing existential crisis. The entire world around Daniel grinds to halt. Everyone focuses all their energies on solving the problem for him and talking him down. Then…

I don’t know if it’s a trend. It’s been a part of teenage life since at least the 50s and the creation of the “teenager” concept. I was a teenager in the 90s and totally obnoxious about my causes. It’s just a byproduct of being at that age where you have little freedom but an overwhelming desire for independence and…

She’s bored and has no friends because she’s like this. She’s like this because she’s bored and has no friends. It’s a vicious circle.

Homeownership is also rife with extra costs that people don’t like to talk about. Like replacing appliances every 10-15 years. Replacing windows. Painting. Yard maintenance. Boiler/furnace maintenance. Chimney maintenance. On and on. I rented in Queens for 11 years. My rent was more than my mortgage is now, and I made…

I don’t have an HOA, but my previous neighbors were lawn nuts. I mean NUTS. No, you don’t understand. The guy was a golf course groundskeeper. And the woman had just had her son commit suicide the year before we moved in. To take his place, she quit her job and tended her lawn. She mowed it 3 times a week and would…

I had too much crap before. Then I bought a house. Now I’m basically trapped here forever. I mean, now I have an edger. An entire tool just to create straight lines where the grass meets the driveway. Because I couldn’t do that with a shovel? Nope. I have an edger. Kill me now.

Drainage. If one of my kids is ever stupid enough to ask me about buying a house, two things will happen:

I have 1/3. Mowing the fucking lawn is fine. It’s the goddamn weeds. We have something called Creeping Charlie in our yard. It wasn’t there when we moved in. Now it’s everywhere and impossible to get rid of.

Yeah, my father-in-law is from Somersworth (Sahmmaswuth) and despite 40-something years in Mass will occasionally say some word where I’m like WTF are you saying? My favorite is when he talks about “husses” (horses). Or when he says he has to get something out of the “lah-dah” (larder, which, I know is a thing, but…

As someone who got rid of his North Shore accent around age 16, I’ve spent too much of the following 28 years trying to figure out an acceptable middle ground pronunciation between Wuhsta and Wursester. The closest I’ve come is Wurster (syllable break: Worce-ster), but I’ve never said it out loud within the borders of…

Seems like it would further the troubling merger of sports with performative patriotism and ecstatic militarism, aka celebrating “The Troops.”

I should’ve clarified to the outsider that the official, legal name of NH is actually “Tax-Free New Hampshire.”

Collective 25 years in Mass, plus the last 7 in Maine (and 11 in NYC, which I mention to establish that the answer to any Masshole asking me “You think ya betta than me?” is “I lived in New Yawk fa a decade, kid. Of caws I think I’m betta.”)

She’s 67 and worth $8 million and her husband is still a successful lobbyist. She could retire now and live very comfortably for the rest of her life. There will never be justice for her. So I’ll settle for her going away.

Susan Collins campaigning at state fairs. Ha ha ha. How absurd. Susan Collins hasn’t stepped foot in the State of Maine since 1997.