I’ve never had a vehicle stolen, but I’ve had a stolen vehicle. When I was 18 and desperate to be done with my mom’s hand-me-down ‘84 Oldsmobile Delta 88, I bought an ‘86 4-cylinder Ford Mustang hatchback from what I didn’t realize at the time was a chop shop in Revere, MA. The cracked steering column and ACE Hardware…

Yesterday I found out that a black man my wife works with was considering taking me to his family Thanksgiving in Chicago as his “token white person” because my wife has been talking to him about my longing for Black Thanksgiving. Sadly, he’s going to be stuck in Boston and won’t make it home. As a conciliation, he…

Half the people in that conference room were overweight or obese, the other half need to run 10 miles everyday or they’ll balloon up. Just a cookie, they all say.

I was on a diet last year and had lost 30 pounds. My birthday rolled around and my coworkers bought a bunch of giant cookies to celebrate. I spent 20 awkward minutes trying to convince them that I really shouldn’t eat the cookie (I hadn’t had a sugary treat in over a year). I felt such shame and anxiety leaving work,…

I host a giant kids and parents Halloween party every year: love it!
I host a big, adults-only cocktail party in the spring: love it!
I’ve hosted two Thanksgivings and a Christmas for my wife’s family: NEVER AGAIN! (I’m sorry that your parents are getting old and hoping someone will relieve them of the burden of hosting…

At my in-laws house, the kitchen, dining room, and living room are all one big room (and it’s not that big), so, basically, everybody is in the kitchen the entire day. And these are big Irish people, so everyone takes a bit of space. It’s . . . cozy.

Can’t wait to get a slice of that Kraft® Hall-OO-Mee™.

If by white tears you mean those I cry because my in-laws adamantly refuse to let me bring macaroni & cheese to Thanksgiving, then yes, they are overflowing.

Mr. Harriot,

I just upgraded my Internet service from 30mbps to 100mbps. Does this mean my wife, sister-in-law, and daughter can all get abortions at the same time and I’ll still have enough bandwidth to watch The Mandalorian?

Don’t forget the BILLIONS we like to appropriate every year for art that depicts nothing but gay stuff and poop Jesuses. Think of all the tanks the military could have if we lefties would do the patriotic thing and give back the mountain of arts funding we get!*

Who do I have to bone to make a baby Yoda?

I mentioned this in a response: When I was in college, the night before Thanksgiving, my mom told me she was kicking my dad out on December 1, I was the only one who knew, and don’t say anything. My dad had shit down the idea of going to my fiancee’s big family dinner because he was an antisocial prick. My brother…

“December 1, I’m asking your father to move out. You’re the only one who knows. Don’t say anything to anyone.” —my mom, the night before Thanksgiving, 1998

My daughter’s 3rd birthday fell on Thanksgiving three years ago. She wanted a “hula girl” meal, but my wife’s family are rigidly traditional when it comes to Thanksgiving food. After weeks of fighting and various sisters-in-law threatening not to come, the compromise was Polynesian-flavored takes on standard dishes:…

Sticky toffee pudding. It’s the only thing I’ve ever managed to successfully introduce to my in-laws rigidly traditional Thanksgiving dinner (probably the only time sticky toffee pudding has ever been considered rebellious). So I put in the effort.

It’s milk . . . with 10x the caffeine of a latte!

12 pounds of dark chocolate (ranging from 55% to 72%) from 12 different countries in Europe.

Suddenly tempted to make an ice box cake out of Royal Dansk cookies and built it in the tin.

Have you ever tried that stuff? I don’t drink milk because I don’t like the texture. I have this idea in my head that Fairlife is either milk syrup or milk-flavored water. Neither sounds appealing.