If by white tears you mean those I cry because my in-laws adamantly refuse to let me bring macaroni & cheese to Thanksgiving, then yes, they are overflowing.

Mr. Harriot,

I just upgraded my Internet service from 30mbps to 100mbps. Does this mean my wife, sister-in-law, and daughter can all get abortions at the same time and I’ll still have enough bandwidth to watch The Mandalorian?

Don’t forget the BILLIONS we like to appropriate every year for art that depicts nothing but gay stuff and poop Jesuses. Think of all the tanks the military could have if we lefties would do the patriotic thing and give back the mountain of arts funding we get!*

Who do I have to bone to make a baby Yoda?

I mentioned this in a response: When I was in college, the night before Thanksgiving, my mom told me she was kicking my dad out on December 1, I was the only one who knew, and don’t say anything. My dad had shit down the idea of going to my fiancee’s big family dinner because he was an antisocial prick. My brother…

“December 1, I’m asking your father to move out. You’re the only one who knows. Don’t say anything to anyone.” —my mom, the night before Thanksgiving, 1998

My daughter’s 3rd birthday fell on Thanksgiving three years ago. She wanted a “hula girl” meal, but my wife’s family are rigidly traditional when it comes to Thanksgiving food. After weeks of fighting and various sisters-in-law threatening not to come, the compromise was Polynesian-flavored takes on standard dishes:…

Sticky toffee pudding. It’s the only thing I’ve ever managed to successfully introduce to my in-laws rigidly traditional Thanksgiving dinner (probably the only time sticky toffee pudding has ever been considered rebellious). So I put in the effort.

It’s milk . . . with 10x the caffeine of a latte!

12 pounds of dark chocolate (ranging from 55% to 72%) from 12 different countries in Europe.

Suddenly tempted to make an ice box cake out of Royal Dansk cookies and built it in the tin.

Have you ever tried that stuff? I don’t drink milk because I don’t like the texture. I have this idea in my head that Fairlife is either milk syrup or milk-flavored water. Neither sounds appealing.

Le Teton?

White Riot™

This is my jam:

Milk helps keep the blood wall from drying out. And nobody likes a dry blood wall.

Also, soft drink sales have been declining for years but you don’t see Coke or Pepsi declaring bankruptcy. Instead, they just tricked everyone into buying energy drinks and colored water. You gotta pivot, Dean!

I humbly submit tea with coconut cream. It’s the only thing I kept from stupid keto.

Yeah, I’m fully expecting some kind of “We should not vote on removal of a president in an election year—we should leave it to the voters in November” bullshit from Mitch.