I just upgraded my Internet service from 30mbps to 100mbps. Does this mean my wife, sister-in-law, and daughter can all get abortions at the same time and I’ll still have enough bandwidth to watch The Mandalorian?

Don’t forget the BILLIONS we like to appropriate every year for art that depicts nothing but gay stuff and poop Jesuses. Think of all the tanks the military could have if we lefties would do the patriotic thing and give back the mountain of arts funding we get!*

Who do I have to bone to make a baby Yoda?

A show about an actor contractually trapped on a never-ending zombie show who keeps trying to do the absolute dumbest shit in an attempt to get fired. Ironically, his stupid antics only make him more endearing and the show more popular, so everyone around him--actors, writers, directors--tries to act as wrong-headed…

Also, I remember some behind-the-scenes thing for the original show where the effects people talked about the zombies gradually decaying from one season to the next. Which is interesting from a craft and technical aspect. But by that logic, at some point the majority of the zombie threat is just going to whither into…

I mentioned this in a response: When I was in college, the night before Thanksgiving, my mom told me she was kicking my dad out on December 1, I was the only one who knew, and don’t say anything. My dad had shit down the idea of going to my fiancee’s big family dinner because he was an antisocial prick. My brother…

“December 1, I’m asking your father to move out. You’re the only one who knows. Don’t say anything to anyone.” —my mom, the night before Thanksgiving, 1998

My daughter’s 3rd birthday fell on Thanksgiving three years ago. She wanted a “hula girl” meal, but my wife’s family are rigidly traditional when it comes to Thanksgiving food. After weeks of fighting and various sisters-in-law threatening not to come, the compromise was Polynesian-flavored takes on standard dishes:…

Second season? Is this the point when everyone starts speculating on who the next Doctor will be? I don’t follow Dr. Who.

Planning to reboot a franchise four times in a calendar year is a bit ridiculous. You’d think Marvel would have some confidence in their product by this point.

Obviously, this is signaling Marvel’s move into the serious arthouse films all us real fans have been waiting for. Because any true appreciator of art knows that the most avant garde works are “Untitled.”

Untitled November 2023 is basically the same movie as Untitled February 2022 but with magic instead of science.

Sticky toffee pudding. It’s the only thing I’ve ever managed to successfully introduce to my in-laws rigidly traditional Thanksgiving dinner (probably the only time sticky toffee pudding has ever been considered rebellious). So I put in the effort.

It’s milk . . . with 10x the caffeine of a latte!

12 pounds of dark chocolate (ranging from 55% to 72%) from 12 different countries in Europe.

Suddenly tempted to make an ice box cake out of Royal Dansk cookies and built it in the tin.

Have you ever tried that stuff? I don’t drink milk because I don’t like the texture. I have this idea in my head that Fairlife is either milk syrup or milk-flavored water. Neither sounds appealing.

Le Teton?

White Riot™

This is my jam: