The real draw of the Waffle House, though, are the waitresses: they look like aging cowboys in aprons. There are more eggs on the floor per square foot than I've ever seen anywhere else except Denny's. Be sure to not miss the jukebox that plays nothing but "God Bless the USA."

And if you have waxy plugs in your ears from years of not bathing, regular olive oil ear usage can help you loosen those plugs so you can hear. The kids tell me you can use a Water Pik as well, but that's just too fancy.

I think I'll just wait until one of you zips them up and puts them in a torrent.