"Now let me be clear. I have not been killed by a seal, nor by a SEAL. My fellow Americans, let me be clear: I've been dead inside since this fucking second term began. Good night, and God bless."

That's weird that they made such an effort. Usually, guys like him get left alone on the sideline after they've kicked.

Billy, I hate to nitpick, but I have a problem with the headline. The phrase "insane, masturbatory rampage" should be "insane masturbatory rampage." You shouldn't use a comma when the last adjective outranks its predecessor and is an integral part of the noun phrase. In this case, the rampage is not both insane…

Again, Welker was out performed by someone younger.

Sortland had a blanket, a cell phone and a box of Wheat Thins with him.

Son of a bitch! Which one of you fucking morons left Karl Rove in the dryer too long!?

The foreman's name is Harry Johnson.

He was doing a Cigar signing for his brand launch. He showed up late, was hammered the entire time and was apparently pretty rude to the people he was signing for, bitching that he had to do it while they were with him. He'd been golfing all day so apparently he was also bright red.

this post contains every one of my least successful pickup lines.

TWEET THE LEG BILLY

An excuse to bring this back. It's my favorite!

"He is best known for having served up Barry Bonds's 714th homer falling off a mountain."

I'm going to email the wife with a subject line of "bitpushr is having an affair". Then when she gets home and tries to kill me, I'll say that people believe I'm having an affair, which is quite different.

The good news is that by age 50 Marcus will be right at the median among ex-football players as to how many NFL games they remember playing in.

At that point, she told him to come back later but he did not go back.

Wait, timeout, what?!

"The Phillies Way" by Ruin Tomorrow or "How I Stopped Worrying About the Salary Cap, the Farm System, My Reputation, the Fans, Common Sense, Competitiveness and Learned to Love Seeing My Name in Print."

"Locker-room harmony."

*Nationwide commercial tune*