He’s from Atlanta, his father is a highly-respected cardiologist, and his mother is a Nigerian politician. The family has some money and he has ties to the area. Probably back home for the holiday break and having a weekend out with friends.

Starred, just for its incomprehensibility and batshit times 10 level of craziness.

That’s what I was thinking. Balcony, or maybe a patio or pool area.

Everywhere except San Francisco.

And healing them with rainbows and flowers.

This might be a dumb question, but what platform was this supposed to be on? PC? Console? Whichever it is, will that long of a delay cause more problems as the technology they’re currently developing for ages?

Only problem is, no matter how much you try to keep the recipe a secret, eventually your Korean and Persian friends will want one too, just to see how much fun it is to drink it. Only they can’t handle it and insist on driving home, whereupon they plow into a crowd of 75 people on their way to synagogue.

They call it a cookie gun at Christmas. The rest of the year it’s a $500 penis pump that they’ve got a warehouse full of.

Getting old sucks harder than a motivated Gianna Michaels.

I’m not sure there’s any amount of money, and that’s not a knock on Kansas. I just firmly believe that Alabama would match any amount — any amount — someone offered. Even if it got into the $15-$20 million per year range, there’s some crazy ass rich Alabama booster who would pony up the funds to make it happen.

I was thinking Dylan Ryder. I’ve watched too much porn in my life, haven’t I?

There’s a family in my town with the last name of “Screws” and, yes, they have a daughter. I feel so, so sorry for her.

We might have finally found the thing that can make Gawker implode upon itself.

Sort of! I had just turned 18 and was looking for work. I got some sandwiches from an Italian deli and saw a hiring sign in the window, alongside all of the glorious goodies inside of their deli case and hot trays. After eating the most delicious sandwich of my life up to that point, I went back and got the job. In 8…

We all laugh and mock Showgirls now. But if you were a teenager in the mid-1990s seeing Jesse Spano topless and doing softcore porn for minutes at a time, you’ll know it’s a fucking travesty that that movie didn’t win at least six Oscars.

I choose YOU, jagged broken neck of a beer bottle!

You run around pooping in punch bowls at kids’ birthday parties, don’t you?

Pretty much any wide receiver the Jaguars have ever drafted in the first round could be used as bench depth.

Matt Jones snorted cocaine off a hooker’s ass in a bar parking lot. That’s in the same neighborhood of debauchery, isn’t it?

Mercury Morris (sentenced to 20 years in prison, served three after receiving a new trial on appeal for cocaine trafficking) doesn’t warrant a Flex spot on the all-binging team?