"I'm 'bout ta fuggin keeel sumwun."

"I'm going to fucking kill someone."

The health insurance advertisement is the kicker, though.

Based on recent news items, I'd still recommend you run from the cops.

If you have to pretend to laugh at a guy's jokes to make him feel funny, he's probably not actually funny, and you should just give up on him. If you end up getting married, a few years down the road, you're going to end up stabbing him when he tells you yet another stupid joke that's not funny, because you just can't…

"He had me pay for everything" ...because he thought I was babysitting him

All I can picture is her grabbing dinner with an eighth-grader at the local Friendly's.

That wide-barrel curling iron got a fucking WORK OUT during the photo shoot for those Bachelor contestant profile photos.

A 25-yo cougar?

Tandra?

Who the hell buys this carp?

For ultimate cheese, we're dancing to a song I wrote for him/us.

I think you can do that, yes. But only within the parameters of them being legitimately someone you have things in common with and feel a real affinity for. And not just because they can introduce you to other people or circles. That's not friendship.

Lupita can do better, though. She's too awesome to spend her downtime lugging around some damn cat.

I don't think Swift has friends so much as she has photo ops.

Kara, I know you're just being funny and not totally serious and using Tay Tay as a way to highlight something that's been talked about around here for awhile, White people with zero Black friends. I love you and this is just a little constructive criticism: Don't. Do. This. Again.

Yes, there are heterosexual men who don't ask for tit shots. They've also got manners and respect, so there's that.

I would so wear these. What's hotter than a woman in a suit? Oh yeah, a woman in a fugly Christmas suit!

Titanic Two: Iceberg Boogaloo