“We guarantee that there will be no more such incidents at Rio 2016.”

Klay Thompson and Steph Curry were not the same sharpshooters after Harambe was killed.

Notable predictions from Stephen A. Smith’s ancestors:

Despite the fact that I have literally never been happier following last night, this article still managed to elevate my mood. Thank you, St. Louis.

Don't need replays. Just goal line tech.

Pretty sure that no one was on your lawn, sir.

- Michael Scott

Thanks for your concern <3

Hopefully not, otherwise I’m going to get fired if I keep walking around the office with a throbbing erection from reading these articles

eh I’d be fine with only 50 more losing seasons

“Cubs just got laughed out of Washington field.”

Only 70 to go until I’m satisfied.

Okay.

An American wondering why the little people can’t have nice things is a little too on-the-nose even for kinja, don’t you think?

Also: Raheem Sterling is trash and should be stapled to the bench. I don’t understand why people rate him.

I swear I’ve actually done three of those, although two of them are really just the same janitorial job.

At what point in the children’s game can we start physically attacking the other players for succeeding? I don’t know. That’s for the crying babies filling their diapers about it to decide I guess.

No matter what happens I just want to say thank you to all the Deadspin staff. I started reading your articles about 5 years ago. Before that I barely paid attention to sports news, because I thought they were all like ESPN or SI. You guys helped me to develop a greater love for sports by showing them in a more…

Where is Chance the Rapper?