How about you go stick your head in a wood chipper?

No, Fox will have a story about the dangers of paper straws.

I realize that Farrow has done much to shed light on evil men. But there is something about him that raises my antennae. I’m NOT saying that I think he’s a rapist or sexual harasser. But I would not be surprised to learn that he’s a jerk.

LBJ — Will he be the first owner-coach in the NBA?

Starting at middle linebacker: CARLOS DAAAAAAANGER!!!!!

My honest first thought: To taunt those who’ve made it that far. The “Land of the Free” is in sight, so close. But now you’re faced with this presidential penile extension, er, by this massive wall.

Jet fuel can't melt wooden beams . . .

Kicked IN THE FACE and tased while running away?

Burn in Hell.

These things scare my mom for some reason. 

In a good way?

+1

I felt really bad for Zorn. I hope that your scenario is the true one. 

Excellence?

NO ONE DENIES THIS.

You’re a heartless, cruel, mean-spirited, evil, vicious, shit-headed asshole.

The headline makes it sound like he didn’t lose the fight, but in fact won it.

They’ve just added another wing to your residence in Hell.

I can't stand Cam Newton. But Finebaum has been dog-whistling for years now. Fuck him. This was delicious. 

Sigh. Can you explain why the comment is great, please? I don't get it.