I would like for my real estate agent to submit my story to the Times: a SONYMA mortgage upstate on an old but nice house, with a very large yard, blocks from the Hudson River, and my property tax costs less than her coop fees. Sure, I had to take a weird test that the state makes common folk take when they ask for…

I propose naming all of Sonjas past and present interns while mimicking her cadence and *dance* moves from Caberlesque.

I personally can not wait for the opportunity to stare someone straight in the eyes and tell them “my husband said I can have one”. I'm stealing her joke. (It's gotta be a joke, right?)

YES PLEASE!

I watched RHONY on weed for the first time ever last week (I usually watch it clutching a wine glass, as its too grating to view sober). I was fucking mesmerized. It’s a whole different show stoned. It’s like “who are these elderly am-dram actresses chewing up the scenes of their own, homemade summer stock?!” I also…

Double high fiving you into the stratosphere for this sermon.

Uhg his dumpy face is full on Struwwelpeter here. I'm not proud of comparing anyone to the filthy subject of a German fairytale, but Jonathan Cheban is just a mean spirited little lemon.

She was recently on Here’s The Thing with Alec Baldwin. She talked about how her and her sister (who is also a comedy/television writer) had been wanting to write a book of essays for quite a while, but continued shelving the idea until the time was right. It didn't sound like a traditional memoir type book at all. I…

My own father was an emotionally unstable Vietnam vet and he waived guns around until our house until we were removed from his care.

I love Martha so much, used to go to tapings of her show in Chelsea and she is so tall and stunning. I want to dump those apples on Chelsea for making her sit with her neck and face craning toward her on that awful couch, the poor woman looks like she has Bell's palsy.

The way her tone goes up and down her register is even more distracting than that trash heap of jeans she's sitting in. I do find her less upsetting when she uses her natural, husky voice.

They also don’t know the joy of turning to your husband in public, with outstretched hands and yelling “MONEY PLEASE!”

So offended! Appalled even. In fact, when I read “George wearing a Ninja Turtles tshirt “, I gasped. Just imagining that beautiful, corporeal ghost baby wearing anything short of a bow tie or gingham sweater vest has me muttering “how DARE you” to no one in particular.

Scheana has had so much buccal fat removed from her face that she looks like the Incredible Mr Limpet. She's Don Knotts as a cartoon fish.

Idk but Lisa Vanderpump in that luxurious C3PO dress is the most interested in any of this I've been all season and I never want to hear about Maushausen again.

After seeing his video the other day, I turned to my husband and said- Aaron Carter needs to invest in a backhoe. He needs to get a heavy equipment license and start a little business and just settle down and make that good backhoe money. Maybe find a nice, local bible study to attend. Come on Aaron, retire with…

My mom sewed me these miniature Gunne Sax prairie dresses from those Simplicity patterns. And then she sewed little bells into the hems. Because I was a tiny prairie cat? I’m not mad though. I think it was pretty gd cute.