As an avid watcher of true crime shows, I can say that I’m much more afraid of young white men who feel like the world owes them something they’re not getting than I am of undocumented immigrants who just want to work and not call attention to themselves.

I was hoping you’d ask - I didn’t want to volunteer the information right away because it’s very dangerous. Okay, so you spoon some peanut butter into a mug - just, like, a healthy tablespoon or so (I’m not gonna tell you how to live your life). Microwave it for 30 seconds (or however long it takes for your microwave…

I once stepped on a regurgitated mouse carcass that the cat had puked up one night. I don’t even have a cat now and I still keep a nightlight in the hallway for this very reason.

I love the insides of Reeses so much that I came up with a way to make it at home so I can just sit there and spoon it out of a mug like a slob.

Sometimes I close my eyes and fantasize about the treason trial where the entire fucking family stands there in dirty orange jumpsuits and no makeup at all while the judge tells them how everything they’ve ever done is going to be undone and how every last cent of their money is going into a relief fund for every…

Awesome! I have a couple of chronic pain issues that my doctors say will get better with regular exercise, but I also have had daily plantar fasciitis for the past three years, and my podiatrist said to lay off any exercise that involves my feet. I’m totally going to give this workout a try today!

Sigh...I know, it’s really really hard living with this horribly disfiguring condition that I could easily fix with teeth whitening if I weren’t so cheap. But yeah, the added enamel strength really came in handy when I was in grad school and couldn’t afford to go to the dentist!

Living, breathing example here of what happens when you get too much fluoride as a child. My town was fluoridating the water but didn’t notify the public, so my mom had us taking fluoride pills. And I’ll tell you, it’s fucking tragic - my teeth are SLIGHTLY STAINED.

Update: yesterday morning I did the coffee thing, and yesterday afternoon I came home to a big ol’ hole dug in my tomato plant pot, so.....confirmed that it doesn’t really work against squirrels I guess. Time to spice up the pot!

Can I be the tambourinist? I am also quite talented at the spoons.

I’ve heard (but haven’t confirmed myself) that used coffee grounds do the same thing, plus add some of that sweet acidity to the soil that tomatoes love so much.

Oh, god, yeah, I could have said that better. It’s been about ten years since this all happened, but I remember talking to my friends and being like, I don’t understand what he meant when he was saying that he felt guilty being with me, and they were like, yeah, this is a whole Thing.

Don’t mistake my willingness to accept that I was out of my depth for self-hate, and don’t mistake your own smugness for intelligence.

She was SO COOL though, and she’d already done her own. Plus, how sweet would it have been to have ended up with a haunted nip?

True story: in the late 1990s, my then-boyfriend’s female cousin used a potato when she pierced my nipple with a sewing needle that she’d waved over a candle flame in the garage of the town funeral parlor where my best friend lived. Shockingly, I still have a nipple (and it’s not haunted or anything as far as I know).

HA! If only I were actually a boss...alas, with great responsibility comes no power.

I got dumped once for the same reason! It made me sad to lose him, but I couldn’t argue with his reasoning because I have no fucking idea what that feels like. And then my friends explained to me how much it sucks to be a black woman and all the successful black men want to date white women.

I had to have lunch with a new hire on Monday and for some fucking reason, this woman thought that her first day at a new job was a great time to go off on how ‘the blacks’ name their kids, and I was just like ‘yeah, it’s not like white people ever name their kids stupid shit like Madyson and Dylann, amiright?’

It’s the essence Sun Club palette. I have it and I love it!

I have that palette from essence! It’s great!