until the colonel removes the cheeto chicken sandwich, a restaurant will be destroyed every night. this i swear to you

I’ve never seen anything blown up so fast in Oklahoma City.
-Mayor David Holt

Can they keep us in the dark for life?  Can they hide him from the waiting world?

Good morning sir, do you have a few moments to talk about our lord and savior, bacon fat?

But Kurt Cobain said they don’t have any feelings. Surely he wouldn’t have lied to us, would he?

Matt Nagy is watching this over and over right now.

The plane should be a 737-MAX.

This bird is really hoping you didn’t notice that fart.

Fixed the New Orleans Pelicans logo for you.

On the bright side, the 19 outs in 6.1 innings pitched ties the record for most outs recorded in that amount of innings

It’s okay, we all get a little upset when we don’t think our dongs measure up. 

“It’s OK, kid. Never hurts to take a shot.”

Bone hugs in harmony.

Even though it’s likely he’ll still end up getting rich playing a game for a living, I do feel more than a Manute amount of sympathy for him.

He’ll be fine, Denver's the perfect place to spark up a Bol.

Oof. Mitch McConnell supports your post, but won’t fund any aftereffects.

The thing I enjoy about Stewart in this entire situation is that I have no doubt he’s genuine. His jokes about McConnell looking like a turtle may seem like going for the easy joke, but you can tell he has seething contempt for him. The only other time I saw him visibly despise someone in this way was when he roasted…

Gloria, I don’t think I can run now.
Eating all of this pizza, all that beer I used to wash it down.
I think I’ve got to slow down, before I start to(BELCH!) blow it.
I think I’m headed for a meltdown, Oh Shit, I think I’m going to blow it

He probably started with masturbating in front of small animals.

How can you criticize a guy who is always pulling for his teammates?