I’m 22 and I wear aloha shirts year round. What does that say about me (apart from my career)?

“I have hubcaps. Don’t look at me.”

Right above the dent

Well, I learned that you can spell “asstap” with Passat today. Wow, what a time to be alive!

I respect and value the opinions of women.

Did you pull over too when it broke down?

“Yes 911, I have tail-pipe sniffing commoner following me. It appears that he is infatuated with the sound of my chariot’s sonorous flatulence and my unwavering, inflated sense of self worth.” 

Last week I followed a guy in a RR Sport SVR for a good 5 miles out of my way just to listen to the exhaust note.

Dat lift kit

I was trying to come up with a quip about how ludicrous that statement is, but I don’t even know where to start. These people honestly believe that white people bend over backward to be nice to black people, but black people are savages who live to abuse white people. Is there any way to make that more ridiculous?

He’s a good teen

Vigilante teen is a good teen.

I love that his response to never having thought about the prospects of nursing mothers at baseball games is to immediately dismiss the notion for the very reason that he, a confused old man, has never thought about it before.

you can’t just leave us hanging, what do you put in it??

rimshot

Your move detroit

Come on! You’re really gonna pull that shit here???

Right, that is the main concern. Not the assholes shooting up the joint.

Thinking about all the idiots who are going to say “But what was a 15-year-old doing out at 4 a.m.” is already making me so mad.

Right?! When someone has a medical emergency, lay people don’t usually jump up and say, “I’ve been doing a lot of Web MDing lately! Let me have a go!”