This is the best Jalopnik-Mortified crossover I’ve ever read.

Kaepernick should protest from the privacy of his own home, which he’ll be able to do 24/7 very soon.

As a mid-30s male, this is disappointing. Now what can I buy in a few years that can attract 20-something sugar babies while simultaneously overcompensating for my small manhood?

I grew up near Pittsburgh. My entire family is Steelers fans. When my brother and his wife have a kid, their first outfit is a Steelers onesie (and they don’t even live anywhere near Pennsylvania). My cousin is a preacher and he wears a Steelers jersey to church.

Sounds great, until there’s a gold box deal on a Dodge Journey and you hate yourself for snapping it up just because it was a really good price.

It’s the Audi’s fault. It shouldn’t have parked so close. Duh.

I know how this game goes.

I cannot trust any rankings that do not list frosted brown sugar cinnamon as #1.

I have an MS3. Sounds like he’s shifting into 4th for a little bit by the end of his acceleration, but he’s not running 3rd out. Sounds also like he’s shifting around 3k, which is typical for most cars but the MS3 isn’t even into the meat of it’s powerband yet. So my guess is that it’s more like 60-70mph tops. 4th…

Considering it happened in Florida, it coulda been much, much worse.

Well that’s more than I’ve ever gotten from an ex-boss. Unless you count herpes.

Escaladeville is totally a town I would live in.

So now it’s a V8. nbd

Hmmm. If they’re just chopping off the “de” from “Escalade” badging, I wonder if this hints at the return of the “de Ville.” No need for those letters to go to waste.

Gives new meaning to the phrase meth head.

I grew up in Johnstown where Slap Shot was filmed, and people there still talk about it all the time, as if it was just filmed last year. (Confession: I’ve still not seen it...)

I recently got an absolutely fantastic piano for my wife for free off of Craigslist. It was a rich family who bought it for their son to learn on, and he didn’t take to it. My wife’s been playing for 3 decades so this was a big treat for her to have an actual piano (as opposed to a keyboard). In fact, she’s playing it…

I used to teach in the theater program at the Baltimore School for the Arts, which he attended with Jade Pinkett. I was there well after he was, and he left after his sophomore year, but all of the faculty had very vivid memories how how talented of an actor he was.

I just ripped out my entire kitchen floor and counted at least 6 layers. The old owners apparently loved layering things, as the room also had 4 layers of wallpaper.

Oh man. I’m 80% done renovating my 100 year old house, and YES! to all of this.