You just know “Cruz Missile” is one.

He will never forget it.

I’ll pack my trunk and go with you.

As he crushed car number two, police could hear the petulant elephant screaming, “This isn’t about that ugly broad who broke my heart. It’s about ethics in gaming journalism!!!!!!”

TUSK!

It tusks, but you can’t always get what you want.

Remember, no matter how nuts you are for her, if she likes someone else, it’s irrelephant.

“Elephants never forget.”

I can’t think of any circumstance where I would chose a trial by jury. I always associate those with criminals hoping the average citizen’s stupidity will get them acquitted. Since rapists easily sway juries in their favor anyways, I think skipping the jury was more about getting this over with as fast as possible…

And In Other Political News: An internal rift reportedly has developed at the Secret Service between agents that will now be forced to pre-chew candidate MarcoBots food and agents that will be forced to lug W’s extensive collection of TeenageMutantNinjaTurtles comics around the nation. MORE UPDATES AS THEY DEVELOP…

No, Obummer started the Iraq war and let 9/11 happen. Don’t you watch the fair and balanced Fox News? He also invented AIDS and unemployment. Stupid libtard!

Wait, I thought we were all on the same page that the Iraq war was a mistake? Shouldn’t this dude have been moved to a deserted island somewhere à la Napoleon?

Phil Mushnick only tuned in for Coldplay.

tfw in the 1980s the DNC decided you were too dumb to vote so they’d handle it for you

It’s probably a lot more common than you think. For instance, when choosing potential partners, one of my chief considerations is my ability to spot them in a variety of locations and settings: darkness, a forest, a blizzard, a well-lit room, submerged beneath water, outer space, etc.

Coach Tomsula: Does anyone know how to get a mouse out of a vacuum cleaner motor? Just curious.

The ACC’s ban on satellite camps has been absolute hell for UNC’s astronomy department.

Ah, come on. That’s not that bad of a tweet. Cut the man some slacks.