When I was a kid it sat atop the refrigerator, looking down and silently judging all of our eating habits. 

I inherited a very similar monk cookie jar from my grandmother. Does yours say “Thou shalt not steal?”

I’d like to think there’s someone out there who thinks he’s dead sexy but a terrible singer.

That man is as handsome as he is talented.

Very carefully

I usually make tomato sauce by slow cooking tomatoes all day and just throw everything, skins and all, in a blender. What’s the benefit to taking the skins and whatnot out?

I always heat the bricks up in the charcoal first. Cook it from both sides

I went to a baptist highschool and I guarantee you that neither side would consider the difference between a priest and a minister to be pedantic. 

The Baptists have priests now?

If I could punch only one face in the Trump administration, it would be his. Not because he’s the evilest guy but because it would be the most satisfying. 

I’ve been watching through old episodes of Samurai Pizza Cats on youtube. What a weird show. I think the people who localized that show didn’t speak any Japanese so they just made up their own nonsense plots. 

I had a relative who’d buy expensive gluten free shampoo. I asked her, “ wouldn’t it be cheaper to just stop drinking shampoo?”

Or you can put a little sauerkraut juice in it and let it ferment on the counter for a few days. It’ll last forever in the fridge.

Just chuck them a slow cooker

The only good thing about the 90's is that there was time for Klax

She should get a sign like from the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant. “_ Hours Since I Said Something Homophobic”

If there’s an uptick of people throwing themselves in front of the trains in Vancouver, we’ll know why.

I’ve been making creme fraiche this way for years. I have to keep a jar of it in the refrigerator at all times or my wife gets very angry. One tip: The time it takes to turn into creme fraiche depends on how warm your house is. If it ends up taking more than overnight, I’d recommend stirring it a little after the…

I tried making a new batch of creme fraiche by adding a little old creme fraiche
  to some heavy cream and the result tasted horrible. I only tried once, though. I usually can find other uses for buttermilk. It’s good in smoothies or for softening meats you want to grill. Baked potatoes dipped in buttermilk are good…

Are you okay? You seem a little off your game today.