And smoke pot

Millennials are killing me right here with my little grandfather who has been to my room for the last two years now and he came and the only reason he doesn't like me is that the guy is a guy.

If vocal homophobes are sometimes closeted homosexuals, I wonder if Dan is a closeted heterosexual.

Quit leaking lines from next week's Game of Thrones

So they built their houses from the top down? There's got to be a dumb polock joke in there somewhere

Damn, I was all ready to jump in here and say "ACTUALLY Etymotics are the best earbuds." I was expecting them to pick something by Crosby or something

She looks like the porn star version of Ivanka Trump

Ha! Everyone knows Henri d'Orléans, Count of Paris is the rightful heir to the throne!

You're Louis Alphonse, Duke of Anjou?

Where does she even find jackets that fit her?

Shirley Trump, Donald's long lost sister? What's she done this time??

"An '80s billionaire who dumps industrial waste for a living decides to put his career on hold so he can get petty revenge on a recent high school graduate." That's exactly how the Trump administration is going to end.

Jeesh. That's the kind of thing you should keep to yourself. At least until you get them in bed. Rip his pants off and yell "Now all those years of jerking off hogs finally pay off!"

All your reviews on Angie's List say you're very professional when you wank of their dogs.

I'm glad you added it was the biggest hack in "recent Hollywood history" because this pales in comparison to the size of The Great Hack of 1928

"You're going to suffer either way so you might as well eat something." Uh oh…

He's (hopefully) convinced America that it's a bad idea to elect a businessman with no political experience who surrounds himself with generals. If he wasn't a total pantload, he could have started a dangerous trend.

Little known fact: Charlemagne massacred the Saxons in 782 after accidentally sleeping with a trans Saxon prostitute.

I tried making Galbitang again. It came out better than last time but the broth still isn't just right.

You used to go around picking other people's noses and scabs too? I thought it was just me.