It's a sad ending for me tonight, folks. Sad ending. At least until I make it over to Hands of Asia massage parlor later for the happiest ending of all. I'll see you there, Today Show. Just remember, 10:30 with Soon Li is JAY'S TIME, motherfucker!

That's my shtick, you fuckbag!

I was watching this Game of Thrones show the other day. Have you all seen that? This Game of Thrones?

Lot of shit in the news today about my show. These prick fucks at NBC want me to step aside so they can get some new piece of shit in here to bleed them of $30 million a year and make a fucking audience shrug politely through a monologue.

Speaking of steaming piles of shit that get beat by Big Bang Theory in the ratings, Conan O'Brien is in the news again today. You all remember Conan, the ginger fuck that tried to take this seat from me? You remember how I exiled that bitch to the land of Tyler Perry sitcoms like he entered Madea's Witness Protection?…

What else is in the news today? Oh, did you dickbags hear that ginger fuck Conan O'Brien is going to host the White House Correspondents Dinner this year? Yeah, it turns out they were trying to get someone with hair more orange than Boehner's skin.

Hey, did you assholes hear that this Alec Baldwin is trying to keep 30 Rock going? No, this is fucking serious, it was in the news. Alec Baldwin is trying to run shit around here at NBC and keep the show he was begging to end a few months ago.

Hey, did you assholes hear that this Alec Baldwin is trying to keep 30 Rock going? No, this is fucking serious, it was in the news. Alec Baldwin is trying to run shit around here at NBC and keep the show he was begging to end a few months ago.

Hey, fuck this Disqus thing.

Hey, fuck this Disqus thing.