I'm sorry I wanted to read this but I am still stuck on the "79 dollars for a 1 day supply of food" part

I'm confused. What was the state of your oversized sunglasses and shopping bags?

Oh my God I'm so excited

I never considered this before. And I would like you to know that I am inspired to incorporate "fucking artisan jeweler" into my arsinal of insults.

If it weren't his actual, legal name I wouldn't use it either. Like, when I look up his court docket information I have to search for "Machine, War."

Is "first kiss" in quotes for a reason? Did they actually not kiss until they were at the altar? Or is it in quotes because it's a euphemism and they actually fucked for the the first time right up at the altar?

I think we can all agree that the REAL victims in this story are her eyebrows.

"Please sit alone for like three weeks with only your probably-not-Ebola-infected pet, an endless supply of ChexMix and your dwindling Netflix queue for company."

Ebola or no Ebola, you have effectively described my greatest dream. Can I get sneezed on or something? Also can we replace ChexMix with cheesy popcorn,…

Well that's nice you're still friends. Still, what a jerk! Glad you found a better dude. (Also, I date a DJ. Not all of them are terrible. Like 20% are okay people, hahaha.)

It's probably an authentic english moping tub within which Wallis Simpson used to sigh about how misunderstood that Mister Hitler was.

Awww yeeeaaaaah.

Jamie Dornan is not my Christian. #NotMyChristian

What about a serial killer of Ayn Rand fans?

Sounds like he'd hit you though.

Um...no...being a serial killer is number two on my list of deal breakers...I'm terribly picky, you see.

She looks tough as fuck. Shit, I'd want her to save me from a fire.

no Portland show? It's like a Portlandia sketch come to life!

I don't always, but when I do, it's because the pooping muscles were ejecting the tampon anyway.

#thingsionlysayonline

I would like us to take a moment to reflect on the fact that Logan Huntzberger grew up to be a G, move bricks in chicago, go to prison, and stop fucking with white girls. damn what did rory do to you logan?