People who were not good enough to stay with the Vikings: Jared Allen, Percy Harvin, Chris Kluwe, fucking Brock fucking Lesnar.

I was really hoping the message would be, “The Claw chooses who will go and who will stay.”

Are you trying to guilt me into going to Classic Car Night in downtown North St. Paul this Friday just so I can appreciate the finer cars in life to make up for this bucket of imitation dick meat?

At least Lesnar didn’t put 69 thumbtacks into Orton’s body.

“America actually has been winning.”

How excited are you for Crystal Pepsi?

Now I’m just imagining the gold medal match underway. Russia vs Iran. It’s a slobberknocker, Maggle, when all of a sudden, the American comes running to the ring, distracting the Russian fellow so the Iranian gets the pin! Hassan is the new champion! What a fantastic Wrestlemania moment! Ball game!

Needs more spycrab.

So, robot PTSD is a thing, huh.

So what you’re saying is that Ryan Lochte got robbed more than once this Olympics?

He’s trying to collect all the Chaos Emeril.

That’s what you get when you cock up a jump like that.

Well, shit, it’s the Sonic Team problem. Remember all those crap Wii Sonic games that looked like some other game with Sonic rammed into it? Now it’s a Resident Evil game with MGS rammed into it.

OK, that’s it. This is finally the time where I stop waiting and believing that HL3 will happen. I’ve been waiting for almost 12 years, ever since HL2.

Breaking news: humans see genitalia in objects that are not genitalia.

Yeah, but 2 of the games are against the Packers, so we don’t count them. Also games against the Jaguars and the Cowboys are gimmes, so 12 games makes sense.

Damn, Anderson Cooper is looking good in the pool.

The center of the universe is Harambe.

It’s the Superman problem. If your main character is hella powerful, you either 1) Make villains that are stronger than them so they have to overcome the odds or 2) Make the hero weaker so they have to overcome the odds. Superman has a decent equilibrium between stronger enemies (Doomsday, Mongol, etc) and weaknesses…