It’s tough to get your concealed weapon out of your fanny pack after 17 beers when your hands are slick with barbecue sauce.

Florida would like a word with you.

Completely correct.

Humans? This was Texas. Home of the inhuman impotent revenge fantasy and prioritizing football loyalties above all else.

Per eye witness, suspect was egged on by a crowd of people to kill the victim

Houston.

Egging on the guy to shoot the other guy in the head.

That matches the physical description of the average Texan.

Oh no. I live here. We call that a Texas Sunday!

Texa$.

There’s something like 5 guns per capita in Texas. So where were all the “good guys with guns”?!?!

So the shooter was egged on, fell from a wall, and was injured in the fall. I think we’re looking for Humpty Dumpty.

This story is being blown completely out of proportion. Greg Hardy was simply leaving the stadium after the game.

Florida is also a reasonable answer.

Russell Wilson: Bro, I just hope it’s not cocaine. I hear that stuff’s cut with baby laxative.

Tim Tebow: Seeing as her pregnancy’s just starting to show, I guess “baby powder”.

the Holly D residence hall

Was someone trying to cut?

Only if you guarantee a swinging bunt.

I much prefer Jim Tomsula’s stripper-heavy video. I redid all the wiring in my house with that thing.