It’s not like I needed another reason to despise Notre Dame, but I’ll take it

“If they make mistakes, you know, it’s not like they’re professionals. They’re just amateurs. Kids, really. Young, young boys. So young, these boys. Anyway, what were we talking about?”

It ends on dry note:

This story is bull because NOPD never reacts that quickly to anything except maybe rising water.

When asked to comment, Miami Dolphins tight end Jordan Cameron said “Nah, you guys have got it all backwards.”

Asking the Browns about quarterbacks is like asking the Patriots about honesty.

College kids are wholly unprepared for the real world? You don’t say!

sounds like quite the racket

It's because he's Blake, isn't it?

I’m sure the cops just assumed Blake stole the identity of a tennis player.

“punting—the most cowardly, spineless, and responsibility-evading decision routinely made in American sports”

So that’s why black people are so good at them?

In his first advisory act, Ditka instructed Trump to trade away his campaign staff for Emmanuel Lewis and a deep dish pizza.

I'm shocked that a person who did nothing while New Orleans worsened would endorse a Republican.

If Ditka was in charge he’d trade California, Texas, New York, and Florida for Nigeria

Not to be outdone, Jeb Bush has said that he will appoint Jim McMahon as his secretary of, uh...shit, I forgot what I was going to say.

I like where you’re going here; I really digit.

What did he do? Killed them all, of course.

Johnny Knoxville’s make-up people really do deserve an Oscar.

Matt Williams’ default setting for any and all media interaction: Dick-ish father of your high school girlfriend.