“I’ll break your arm, that’s what I’m about to do,” an officer can be heard responding.

Hmmmm, Rump didn’t even praise FIRST RESPONDERS or LEOs. Tsk tsk.

I’ve started intentionally putting random parentheses in my tweets to keep myself entertained. “Last night’s episode of Atlanta was really good (great)!”

Whenever I read these stories, I whisper quietly to myself. “Voluntarily? Voluntarily.”

That should have been item #1.

Ah, I have my dates wrong. I was still too young to have aggressively negative reactions to grown ups. “It’s that orange tacky man with no real money.”

Trump would do cameos in 80s movies when they featured his real estate. I was maybe four-years-old thinking, “Gross. All that gold. This man does not know what money is or how to spend it.”

I considered this. Since all his hires are the best hires, I could absolutely believe she doesn’t know the case by name.

The English raped my ancestors on their wedding night in an effort to breed them out of existence

I really love that video.

If someone broke into my conversation just to holler about lovin’ Trump, I’d probably laugh and/or tell her to fuck off. There has to be more to this. She probably said something muuuuch worse.

I know it’s weird, but I hate her intentional hillbilly voice. I guess she’s supposed to sound “folksy,” but if your job is to be a spokesperson, you can fuck off with that. I’m southern and my accent is ridiculous, but I’m able to speak without it when I’m not in the south.

There were no comments when I read this and didn’t want to admit I was halfway through the article before I realized it wasn’t real.

A friend asked “omg have you watched the new Roseanne yet?” YET!? NO. No sir. There will be none of that.

I live for this level of petty, especially since it’s coming from my pretend boyfriend.

That is peak white people! I read that white nationalists are taking the tests and having complete meltdowns over their 2% Arabic or what have you.

I wonder what my census dodging family members think of this, since they freaked the fuck out under Obama. Wasn’t he going to use them for the death panels?

I think my home team pays $50 a game, according to women I’ve known who tried out. They also have to travel up to 5 hours to attend home games, since some of them live nowhere near the city.

I stay with a wonderful family with a sweet little boy. If someone wanted to break me and have me admit to crimes I never committed, they would play the approximate 1,000 versions of “Daddy Fingers.”

That shit was creepy. While not on a first name basis with “SheeshTheseNames,” I knew enough to know they are not a troll. I saw that comment and blinked slowly for approximately 20 seconds in confusion and decided to just @ the real screenname like a weirdo.