I am exponentially improving every time I hit enter

They say “bless you” in developing nations, Tobias

Once when I answered the phone at work, the lady on the other end said, “You sound like a little girl! Are you SURE you’re old enough to be working??”

Huh, my favourite magician has always been Harry Houdidn’tgrabmyass.

You can have him. Dude made movies with both Roman Polanski and Woody Allen.

Counter-point: She lied, got caught and is now acting like a petulant teenager over it because she sucks.

Hmmm it’s like he didn’t know his brother sexually harassed women because he didn’t know that kind of behavior was sexual harassment.

Three words: “As a parent ... ”

If your social media avatar is a baby, I’m going to assume you are a baby. If it’s a car, I’m going to assume you’re a Transformer.

1. Being a parent doesn’t automatically exempt you from listening to science. I get that you’re terrified of killing your kid with toxins and whatnot, but the only reason you feel the freedom to turn your nose up at modern nutrition and medicine is because we’ve done so much to eliminate disease. Using modern medicine.

Your sonagrams are creepy. All fetuses look like Xenomorphs, and the only people who may be interested are yourself and possibly your very close family members .

I can’t remember where I read this, but I wrote it down for future use, because it was dead on!!!

I think people without kids but with chronic illnesses would disagree with you about “normal” and not “newborn” tired having an end. Their/our “normal” tired has zero end. And there are a ton of parents who don’t make allowances for that in conversations. It’s super obnoxious.

Stop acting like you’ve just accomplished some amazing feat. You had sex and got knocked up. People do it every day, from the richest royalty to the lowliest scumbags. You’re not special. Like, in any way.

I do not ever want to attend any of your kids’ sporting events unless they are competing for a popular division I college or the pros.

For some, it doesn’t get any better as the children grow up. I enjoy catching up with a good friend via Facebook, but I really don’t need four posts a day of what her high school-aged children are doing.

I feel very fortunate that my lovely close friends all have awesome kids, and they don’t pull the “won’t you change your mind?” or “you don’t know about being tired!” bs. But I very much miss being able to hang out with them on a whim and seeing them as much as I used to. It’s reality, I get it (kids have their own…

yeah, i have a strict unfollow rule for baby pictures. you get 1 a month, after that you’re unfollowed. it was awkward when my son was born, but eventually my wife has accepted why she’s unfollowed. i mean, what are we without our principles?

Honestly, the big gripe is that there is this expectation that five hours of “my kid did this then this then this” is supposed to be fascinating to me. I don’t want to see little Timmy’s terrible drawing, I don’t want to hear that little Bobby won his spelling bee and I don’t remotely care that little Suzy has a…

I love you, but I do not want to constantly hear you vent about how hard it is to be a parent. You decided to bring another human being into the world, one that would rely on you 100% for everything for the first years of its life. Did you think it was going to be easy? or cheap?