At my funeral, the only acceptable clothing will be lace. All lace. Nothing but. Well, maybe some tulle.

"These bitches are basic." -La Divine Comtesse

I'm going to pretend this is the world's largest en masse lesbian wedding, and you can't stop me.

Right? If you're going to be all nineteenth century and have a ball, then have A FUCKING BALL and get yourself some petticoats. None of this sweet sixteen-esque prom gown stuff. Otherwise, I really just don't see the point.

Every single one of those ladies is doin' it wrong. I divert your attention to the only debutante the 'verse needs:

Really?

Every time I see a, "save the tatas" bumper sticker I want to run the driver off the road. My grandmother has had breast cancer, twice. I don't like Susan G. Komen for all the reasons everyone already knows about. But I support breast cancer awareness, not because "tits are totally sexy, dudes" but because I don't…

Might sound a little bit cliched but..

Yep. Remember after Angelina Jolie's mastectomy when everybody was scandalized about fratboy randos tweeting that they felt bad for Brad Pitt? I mean, what did they expect, when our culture keeps reinforcing the idea that the most insidious threat posed by breast cancer is the loss of a boner?

I personally hate the "I heart boobies" and "save second base" taglines because they imply that people should care about preventing breast cancer because boobs are totally hot, not because it's a devastating disease. That said, this is a ridiculous use of the court's time and the school's money.

Take your pets?

And then there's bologna. Much cheaper and easier to get your parents to buy for you and your shenanigans.

one of my roommates just bought a 5 pound bag of candy from Costco and now I'm pretty concerned that we won't be able to give any candy to children because the four GROWN ADULTS that live in my house are going to eat all of it.

Psst, hey fat kids: you didn't hear it from me, but I hear shaving cream sprayed on car paint can really leave a permanent message, if you know what I mean. Also, did you know your local butcher will sell you all sorts of delightful organ meats in bulk? Maybe you have a local neighbor you'd like to share this fun…

Michelangelo did not know how to sculpt any body part he hadn't seen before. See also: his mashed potato gloopy boobs. I can't believe anyone entertained the notion he was a heterosexual.

Yeah, the only people wearing gloves at my school were the people looking for drugs during random locker searches. White gloves would get you a punch in the face.

I'm from the south (born and raised! and also my whole family going back like a billion years), and I just...don't get it. Like my southern baptist grandma: why is she a member of a church that teaches that she's not equal to men? It's weird. I commend you for having sympathy for these women, because I mostly just…

Dude. The bugs in my first apartment in Japan needed leashes so I could take them for walks. *shudders at the memory*. I couldn't read your blog due to the PTSD it would trigger.

Where did she go to school? At my high school walking around in white gloves and pearls would have just got you the shit kicked out of you everyday until graduation.

... and nobody has paid money for my blog about bugs in Japan.