You shouldn’t take a hammer to your iPhone, it voids the warran-

Hmm. Maybe I need to talk slowly here.

I don’t even want to look up what an “Alaskan Bus Ride” is. Whatever you have to do, I guess.

• Rohto Cool Redness Reliever eyedrops

This is going to be such a glorious shitshow.

If only cellphones existed in Buffalo back in the early 90's.

My friend Ray Finkel says that's an issue, but he doesn't seem trustworthy.

Excellent.

I’ve freelanced graphics with ESPN and with them putting in a logo is as simple as typing the schools abbreviation into the logo section. So mixing up NIU and UNI pops up the wrong graphic. Then graphics guy sees that logo and types Panthers instead of Huskies to match his incorrect logo.

Show him that it’s white girls stealing from a black guy. His head will explode, and presto! No father-in-law to deal with tomorrow.

“I apologize if I offended him back then.

Shit, if only there was a movie quote I could steal to make a joke about this situation...oh well, back at it tomorrow.

Ted Cruz is that one guy on a night out who refused to get the bus with everyone else, and you’re stuck waiting around for him at the pub before the club for so long that you fuck off to the club (you call/text him and he doesn’t call back), only to get continuous texts with variations of “Where r u?” that you don’t…

“He isn’t paid” ... at Ohio State. Probably not at all true.

What’s that? A reason to post this? Okay then.

Watergate

A coworker had these at my last job, and I was convinced they were some kind of medical device and felt it was rude to ask about them.

Guess Kane stepped on some Toews at EA.

Dear Ralph Gilles,

You're like the Hamilton Nolan of milk. That's not a good thing.