i live in TX, where no government employee is considered essential (yee haw, bang bang!) and there’s never been a snow emergency. most of the state is as flat as a pancake. subaru owners here have to just admit they are making a lifestyle statement.

My wife’s new Rav4 has LKA and that coupled with a really good radar cruise control has completely changed highway travel for me. I’m still completely in control and my hands are on the wheel at all times but I’ll be damned if that car doesn’t 100% drive itself the entire trip.  I thought it was dumb too at first but…

And as my dear friend and colleague Jason Torchinsky pointed out, you can’t spell “Lamborghini” without an N and an A, so, I think the logic here checks out.

Everybody assumes Jesse didn’t stop because he didn’t want to hand over the keys to his car after losing to Johnny Tran, but if you think about it, the real reason is obvious. He didn’t stop because he couldn’t stop. He had already removed the Jetta’s brakes for weight reduction.

Oh man, I feel for you.

If QAnon Patriots are making Adam Sandler movies then they’ve gone from harmless kooks to full-blown terrorists.

What is with this stupid aversion to the word moist? It’s a perfectly fucken cromulent word! Shit that is damp in an absorbed way sorta. That’s a useful word for a ton of shit that isn’t gross. I get it, when your junk is moist, it’s gross, but my junk is also gross if it’s squashed or crushed and nobody bats an…

Your servers favorite meal is a burger or sandwich eaten in nine separate bites taken over the course of 25 minutes as they slip back into the kitchen for table 17's endless sides of ranch, or to find the manager who is leaning out the back door having her 19th cigarette of the shift. 

These Chicago guys are going to start selling deep-dish Whataburgers and making their queso out of mootzarell. 

“I was out there for an hour waiting for that seagull to take the roll”

“Ask your doctor about Previa today!"

“These factors are ranked from 1-5 in the survey but it’s counted by Mazda as pass / fail; anything other than a 5 (highest score) in the categories is a fail in that category”

Once again you are on target. I seriously considered a Taurus SHO until I sat in the back of one. It is so cramped back there and it was useless for child seats. It makes me miss the ubiquitous panther platform vehicles. *runs to ebay to look for country squire wagons for the 38th time this week*

You can have my carbs when you pry them from my cold, dead, un-smelly crotch.

Diet coke has not contained phenylalanine since 2005.

The David Tracy Award for Remarkable Inguinity in Service of a Palpably Bad Idea.

Heinz only appears superior to Hunt’s because of its association and tie-in with McDonald’s. I love y’all here, Takeout crew, but no one raised in the US and/or ever taken to McD’s as a child will ever be able to separate the two.

My head LITERALLY exploded when you used the term “objectively” to describe a taste test that was entirely subjective. LITERALLY.

:)

You can do the same thing with a chicken sandwich. Just take it out of the packaging and stab it onto the straw. You can thank me later

Of course he’s wealthy and powerful! A poor man could never afford a wig of fine steel wool!