That would have been like my yearbook having Welcome Back, Kotter on the cover.

He won the lottery by being born…

I know what the statement says, but I read it as “I would like to have sex with other women and not feel guilty about it.”

One of my employees is 22 and is in the Marine Corps Reserve and he has the F*r*i*e*n*d*s logo tattooed on his calf. I find this strange.

They got robbed in the BBQ sauce division. Their little cups are, in this mans humble opinion, the best. They also may be laced with heroin, but that's pure speculation.

I watched Dunkirk for a second time on Friday. Saturday, I watched Detroit. The performances were great and the film was expertly made it mostly just made me sad.
Is it too late to opt out of the human race?

My favorite part of the Festival of Living Art is Lorelai talking like a ferret.

Except that Kurt Cobain only pretended to not want to be a rock star. He never not participated in the MTV circle jerks or the Rolling Stone cover shoots. Ironic that he would bag on pearl jam for not being “punk rock” but they’re the ones that dropped out of that scene to focus strictly on playing shows and making…

Daniel was an even bigger pussy in part 3 than he was in the original. Bonus points though for Robyn Lively.

Not only is There Will be Blood the best movie PTA ever made, it's one of the best movies made n the past 25 years.

On TV, a guy that looks like Kevin James gets a hot wife. In real life, a guy that looks like me is home alone on a Saturday night alphabetizing his Blu-rays.

People always say sausage party like it’s a bad thing, but I love sausage.

♪ Co-stanza! ♪

Amen Brother… amen.

Was that a 20 year old Tom Green reference?

That's when you should start doing blow.

This is obviously the work of Jonah Takalua.

And you call *that* your tractor story??

Can you get CTE from swinging a golf club? He must have brain damage.

If you can't get a job with the local milk people you should try the local lemonade people and if that don't work out…