You will want to consult the latest edition of Shade Court. Be thankful you weren’t Madonna.

John Waters used to hang out a lot at a now-closed bar in New York. Like he was a fixture, and you were almost guaranteed to see him there. So charming, so open and friendly, everyone (me included) adored him. And the funny thing was all these people, it wasn’t, “Oh my God, you’re John Waters, I love your work, can I…

I think the chin is worse. I bet his middle name is von Hapsburg.

Mariah Carey’s comment came out of my monitor and threw shade at me, that is how powerful it is. Just last week I dragged out a Madonna CD and played “Holiday” and danced a little and thought, “This song has really held up well.” That song is over thirty years old. And the first time I heard it was in a bar and I was…

Diane Rouxel looks like an animatronic figure in a “living history” museum. Like, “Welcome to Mont St-Michel. I want you to imagine that it is 1450 and plague has killed half the people in Normandy.” (Said on a repeated loop in five different languages.)

Didn’t Diane Keaton wear that exact same old timey bartender outfit in Annie Hall? Except with another couple of layers and a hat?

I’m pretty sure the helpful bluebirds will iron it for you. Or maybe the fauns.

And I am a total idiot. The Destiny of the Republic is a biography of James Garfield. And I read it and loved it. There go my dreams of being a book reviewer.

It gets even better. Cuba Gooding Jr. is going to play OJ Simpson. This is casting-as-trolling of the highest order. Not since Paul Newman and Steve McQueen appeared in The Towering Inferno has the world seen anything like this.

I love the fact that the Horse Head Mask got 4 1/2 stars and was reviewed 97 times. I assume most of the reviews are a joke but I don’t dare investigate. Amazon keeps prompting me with enough strange products as it is. I once ordered a new harness for my dog and, while I was at it, a biography of Grover Cleveland.…

I had hoped that a Jezebel reader would get that reference. That story about VE Day was amazing.

He’s been watching the Sparky the Fire Dog videos. Safety First!

Harriet Tubman also lived to be about 91 (her birthdate is uncertain) and died in 1913. If people can’t appreciate a former slave returning to the South repeatedly to free other black people from slavery with a pistol in her satchel, and who served as a nurse during the Civil War, perhaps they’ll appreciate that there…

You do not have a boring job or a sad life! I would swap in a heartbeat. I have the sad life, I go on Yelp whenever friends suggest going to a new restaurant and I only read the 1-star multi-paragraph postings. I copy-and-paste an abbreviated “greatest hits” and share before we convene. I’m like the Buzzfeed of crazy…

Maybe he subscribed to the same paper my mother did.

When widespread Internet usage was fairly new, like 1998 or something, my mother used to read horror stories in her local paper (Pulitzer prizes won: none) of children lured into depraved acts because they met an imposter online. She would tell me “Stay off of that Internet.” I worked on my company’s website.