If you are a penguin and feeling suicidal, please call 1800-226-8359. That’s 800-CAN-TFLY.

“Whoa whoa! You can plan parenthood?”

Trainers knew Petty was concussed when they asked him where Ryan Fitzpatrick went to college and he didn’t know the answer.

Jesus Ricky really? What were you high or something?

I’m not sure waht are you angyr about?

“Dikembe, please confirm that the money I sent was received.” - John Podesta

Tech support: Okay, first step is I want you to go ahead and delete all of your cookies.

I tried to tweet Dikembe saying I didn’t believe him but he blocked me.

Oh please, what do you kn......oh.

When he wanted to be.

Fortunately, Colin Cowherd is a barely sentient sack of hog prostates.

“6-beers? You talking about pre-tailgating?”

Those fans can’t melt real teams!

The MMQB’s Emily Kaplan wrote about the nuts-and-bolts reasons Goff’s adjustment might be taking so long, and it’s a persuasive case; his Air Raid-esque offense at Cal was so different from anything in the NFL, and QBs from Air Raid systems have tended to do poorly in the pros.

so let me get this straight, you’ll publish the duke “fuck list” which completely humiliated and degraded male athletes, but when you have access to the harvard “sexual scouting report” all of a sudden it’s time to protect the innocent. can you explain that? oh, you can’t? oh, gawker was sued into bankruptcy. ohhhhh,…

Looks like this week it will be the Bills quarterback who takes a knee.

It was a frank exchange, that sau sage advice about the difference between wieners and losers.

Anyone know the sim’s accuracy record this season? I could look it up, but I’m lazy.

Oh, you’re talking about dames. Yeah, that works fine with dames and broads.

Please note the timestamp on this post. This event took place on Dec. 20, 2010.