When people refer to Antonio Brown as a “distraction” maybe they’re referring to his bleached mustache. I seriously can’t focus on a word he says, because I’m just staring at the platinum Caterpillar.

5th Gear: Old News.

I was still blown away that some unnamed AFC team was asking prospects, “If required, are you willing to claim that you were, in fact, misidentified as a 77 year old white male, who was spotted frequently at a specific massage parlor?”

To be clear, it wasn’t an illegal play, and no foul was assessed, even though Brogdon did appear to lean slightly forward into Bagley.

Fun fact: “The Touching is, To Me, Off Limits,” was the original title of MC Hammer’s 1990 breakthrough single. 

Trump added $4 billion to his assets with the previously unused and extremely nebulous line item “Brand Value.”

I too am a billionaire if you estimate the value of my brand at $4 billion. Please don’t make me own the Bills.

“So bye bye Let’s Remember Some Guys”

MacLean later clarified: “I can’t remember if I cried, when I read about his widowed bride, nothing touched me deep inside, the day Robert Traylor died.”

Obligatory:

“See, this is why I stay a virgin.” — Mark Davis

“Awake, awake, Zion, clothe yourself with strength! Put on your garments of splendor, Jerusalem, the holy city. And maybe, like, an ankle brace or something, ‘cause damn that don’t look good.”

Oklahoma, New Mexico, Arizona, Las Vegas, and, finally, Southern California.

He reportedly told his mother that if she had a problem, she could meet him in Temecula 

I kinda want to know which bread he meant.

Jesus! Even more evidence of Russia meddling with our erections.

“Sean, Drew, Michael, Alvin. Guys. Listen. I’m sorry. You have to understand my position here. I wish I could help you. I really do. Nobody feels worse about this than I do. Except for you and your fans, of course. But I hate what this has done to the sport. I really do. The only worse possible outcome here would be…

You remember that Sunday morning, two months after dad left, you wake up and notice mom’s hair is seriously mussed, and then you walk into the kitchen and dad is making eggs like the past eight weeks never happened . . .

“Which bone is most likely to be infected with racism? Femur? Rib? Have medical professionals ever confirmed the existence of a racist bone?”