Our marriage may in fact be predicated in part upon this argument.

Are you my husband because if so we need milk and diapers

Death has definitely been brought up in this argument, and then I drop some “NORMA JEAN IS POTENTIALLY PUNK” and his head explodes but then I have to clean that shit up 

I like you

i know right

I starred this because discourse is valid and also because you agree with me

My husband and I still argue over whether MC5 was punk or metal, and nobody here will know what that means.

This is a thing of beauty and I love it.

Looks too much like side-eye duck:

wwwwwwhhhhhhhhhHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Counterpoint: Zucchini tastes like a foot

I’m sorry this happened to you. I had a “best” friend ghost on me after like a decade, right after I got pregnant with my first. The damage she caused is lasting and also bullshit, because fuck her, she sucks. Jennifer, if you’re reading this, I hope you get a brand new paper-cut every single morning for the rest of…

Yeah, could someone relay this news to my father, because he hasn’t met his grandchildren and they’ll be 2 and 3 soon.

She looks like Elizabeth Warren if Elizabeth Warren got a Mommy Makeover on the back half of a Very Special Valentine’s Day Episode of the Dr. Phil show in 2004.

Growing up, my mother told us all that we’re a large percentage native american, because that’s what her parents told her, and so forth. Naturally, we repeated this, despite our spectacular whiteness, to not a small amount of ridicule in response (kids are so nice). I tried to verify this in the 90's for a school…

I mean if he were Russian trained he’d at least be good at it?  

Hi Drax!

How many sips does it take to reach the center of an irresponsibly priced bottle of almost certainly skunky wine? The world may never find out! That owl was full of shit, by the way, it’s way more than three.

Honest question, no snark intended: why do you bother with these people? My mother’s side of the family, including and especially her, are hateful trash. I want to be happy. Those two ideals are highly incompatible, so I just... don’t.  I’m also a very sensitive person, so maybe it doesn’t bother you as much as mine…

Dude yes. He did it to Lady Gaga, when she came to audition for the part ... he brought his own wipes!