This whole thing sounds like a Tobias episode of 'Arrested Development.'

Because of Gob Bluth, the ringtone on my phone has been the Final Countdown for the last several years. Every time it has rung in the last week, I have spontaneously shouted "YES!" often in entirely inappropriate situations.

So yeah, you could say I'm excited.

Hey, Coach Taylor was pretty good too.

I just had a patient the other day who showed up in our inpatient psych unit after being found intoxicated and suicidal. He had been drinking vanilla extract, because you can't buy beer/alcohol with food stamps.

Those women aren't "curvy" or "full-figured." They are fat. I'd be willing to bet they qualify as obese. This is not a character flaw, but saying they are gorgeous is enabling unhealthy habits. Why is this unacceptable for smokers or drug users but not of the obese?

What happened? Meg Ryan got collagen lip injections, making her unrecognisable as the girl-next-door we loved so dearly. And then Nora Ephron died.

This is the feminist philosophy:

My theory about people is this: we all trend towards the middle of the scale of good or evil. You have some that are epically evil, and you have some that are living saints. The rest of us are just regular folk - people who might buy a homeless person a meal one day but then ignore a friend with constant black eyes…

It's worth noting that part of Ramsey's sentencing for his domestic violence charges was education and counseling designed to reduce recidivism - and it seems like this is a case where we can go "well, look at that, it worked."

And it's not that fascinating. It mostly consists of me saying "hey, I get that the age of consent where you live is 16, but you still can't post pictures of your 17 year old boyfriend sucking your dick."

RIGHT? And I actually think the baby hybrid storyline could be interesting (I'm a sucker for twists in a mythology) but Hayley, just, UGH. I have just a sort of lacksadaisical antipathy towards her. Like, I forget she exists, and when I'm reminded, I'm half-heartelly saying to myself that she's the worst. Which isn't…

Eh, fat teenagers actually have a lot more options today than they ever have. I can't speak for the fellas, but plus-size teenage girls have a good selection of stores that cater to them, and online retailers are a great resources. You can now find XXL tops and size 24 pants at Target. Forever 21 has a plus section.…

This makes me really sad. On a large scale, it's easy to be mad about conversion therapy, and to be mad at someone for not realizing you can have a family without being the Cleavers, and it certainly sends a terrible message to his followers, but at the individual level, it's really heartbreaking that he feels like…

Oh, Antoine.

So wait, the Teen Mom/James Deen sex tape is an anal scene and she still complained he was too small?

Oh my goodness! What horrible people! And what awesome ladies to rally around you to corner the asshats! :) That's nice that they came to help you out.

I get to tell this story every year on Jez, its a story I kind of love.

I do feel sorry for her. Her mother never gave her a fair chance by not educating her well. You can see that she had a point to make, but was incapable of writing a coherent argument. And now she's married to some guys years older. I hope he hires a tutor for her, but he probably prefers her uneducated.

I miss Beyonce with brown hair and no faux nipples.

That muffled sound you just heard is Harmony Korine just cumming in his penthouse.