alternate headline:

Mom: Okay Derrick, make sure you’re washed up before dinner.

Clemson fans are going talk about this win for years to come. Fortunately, no one else will understand a word of it.

Jay: “Hey, Siri. Call DEA.”

“What’s attendance mean?”

Who started this ridiculous trend of spelling Latino with an X? Please stop doing this guys.

In OBJ’s defense, the grounds crew member kept telling him that he’s “not just a member of the grounds crew, he’s also a part owner of the team”.

Cheers to Jay for throwing something correctly.

To be fair, the only thing she stole from the podiatrist’s website was footnotes.

I’m not building that fucken wall, you icehole.

One problem with elite is they always want to talk about actual news stories. We have to reach out to whites where they live—comment sections.

Doesn’t have to talk to the media if he doesn’t want to, just another one of the perc’s of his job.

Also calling me an asshole for thinking a gay woman should call a homophobe a homophobe is quite the take.

Nationals may not mean anything to you, but it sure means a lot to us. The tears of the joy that come from cheerleaders after each competition shows that they are passionate about what they do, we have come so far and we will not give up on our dream. It’s not about the trip, it’s about coming home with the first…

I assume the back surgery is an exploratory procedure in which they’ll be looking for something resembling a spine.  

“You don’t need to teach out in the public all the time.”

Yes, unions vs. transgender bathroom rights, the classic “either-or” choice.

Oh, what? Now all white people live in the city? What is it with you bastards? When is enough enough?

The stereotype that white people always carry ranch dressing around with them is not cool anymore. When you say ‘He’s already got his, that white boy over there’” don’t just fucking assume I’m carrying my own ranch dressing around with me you hurtful monster. I need it for my tenders and when you assume that I already…