C’mon, I’m clearly the grossest Deadspin staffer.

Only a fool fucks with Phelps when he’s in compete mode.

And fuck all this nonsense about him partying when he’s not swimming. That man has spent more time honing himself into the perfect swimmer than any of us have spent doing anything (including jerking off). He ought to have a life permit to party the fuck down…

Heck yeah. So much so, that they’re only allowed to do it until the black marks on the floating lanes.

Men’s Swimming Olympic Gold Medals since 1896:

He entered thirteen hundredths of a second behind and handed off to the next leg a full second ahead. In a distance that is usually decided by those hundreths. The guys a swimming god.

Well if they kept their recent trend going, they were going to have to change the name to Lunch Brake.

Wow, saying that hands off the steering wheel doesn’t matter because he could’ve watched a movie even with his hands on the wheel? Really?

NBA players generally show a healthy respect for those who came before them, but it’s really nice to see them doing something concrete for those players who helped pave the way for $30+ million salaries and massive endorsement deals. This is fantastic.

I was quoting a direct line from the show instead of trying to rewrite and obscure the reference but fuck it, let’s go with that.

I used to have to travel to Sao Paulo frequently for my work, when I was with a large Fortune 500 company that had offices down there.

I mean, it’s not even accurate. He probably doesn’t even own any minorities.

I’m not sure it was really necessary to refer to the Cuban-born Sabates as a “minority” in this racist headline.

Now, THIS is a type of message you save the comic sans font for!

4. You're absolutely a piece of shit (see #1).

“The act also prohibits municipalities in North Carolina from enacting anti-discrimination policies,^[14] setting a local minimum wage, regulating child labor, or making certain regulations for city workers. The legislation also removes the statutory and common-law private right of action to enforce state…

I get it, they don’t want controversy to distract viewers from compelling WNBA storylines like “Which two teams are these again?” and “Is that point guard the one I heard about in college in 2009? No? Ok nevermind.”

Nah, nobody would ever accuse them of being “full of stars”

“Both teams played hard, I guess,” Cousins added, before walking away muttering “Ball don’t lie, though, ball don’t lie..”

So, so tired of the knee jerk Boogie hate. How many of you have worked for a truly toxic, dysfunctional organization? It wears on your soul and sanity to labor under mercurial, talentless bosses whose best people skills include unclear yet passive-aggressive communication, recreational backstabbing and delusions of…

DeMarcus Cousins becomes a free agent after the 2018 season.