“Okay, we’re willing to lower our price for him to a third and a fifth.”

using it only to tell the pitcher “I banged your mom”

I thought we agreed he beat off in the shower. 

Oh, it turns out the doctor was his mother, and the reason she couldn’t operate was she had puked and pissed on herself.

YES! My husband understands the tweezers hierarchy as:
1. The GOOD tweezers. MY tweezers. They were hand milled in England and were designed to put together dollhouse miniatures. I won’t even tell him where they are.
2. The back-up good tweezers that have been lost for 6 months but I still hold out hope they can be…

Descended? No. Risen

To paraphrase the Manchester United fan chant (sung to the tune of Yankee Doodle Dandy):

I missed the end of the game. At the final buzzer did Grayson Allen shriek and transform into a flock of blackbirds?

Neither is “Glen.”

Trump reelection campaign manager Brad Parscale announced McEntee’s hire alongside that of Kate Pierson.

Okay, now he’s ready to run for president.

He’d probably send Don Jr. to try and fight it

It’s more fun to go off the side of the boat and then run and tell your friends to “come look, there’s a fish!” and then they run over and they look at your poo.

The horse-talking person has all the mental faculties of a horse in a person’s body (and vice versa).

Do you think Pence was confused momentarily when he heard Rippon’s Mother was going to be on CNN?

+1 for the story and showing your work

Drummond has nothing on the best “revenge for being left out” performance of all time. On January 27, 1990, one day after A.C. Green (seriously) was announced as an All-Star starter over Karl Malone (SERIOUSLY THIS HAPPENED), the Mailman had 61 points and 18 rebounds in just 33 minutes in a 48 point win over the Bucks.

I read this in Larry David’s voice. Thank you.

They are 4-11. That was the first time all year his teammates actually blocked someone.