Trump is just as bad as Hillary guys! The DNC cheated Bernie so let’s protest vote! Let’s stay home! They both suck equally!

The hijabs cancel out. I learned that in my Muslim Math 101 class at Trump University.

If you send things back multiple times at your OWN restaurant it gives the people you’re with the impression that the food is not good. The very people you are trying to impress.

Now that this story is public, he’ll never ketchup in the polls.

The man failed miserably selling gambling, football, and steak.

Graft versus Host disease is real my friends...

When you’re getting free carrot cake delivered, you stay close to the source. Can’t let a good thing go

This is a marked improvement for Philadelphia’s QB situation as Mark Sanchez would have been caught in the bathroom with a high schooler and Sam Bradford would have torn his ACL trying to break out.

you can see the Flying Elbow Cop thinking “THIS IS IT! THE MOMENT I’VE TRAINED MY WHOLE CAREER FOR! THE PEOPLES ELBOW!!!!”

That’s a lot of beverages (alcoholic and non-alcoholic) for a 13-minute “concert”. 5 t-shirts? 5 towels? Is he soaking the towels in juice and squeezing them into his mouth? Does he have a battery-powered towel squeezer which is why he needs all those batteries? I have so many questions.

I wanna hang out backstage and light batteries on fire with Ludacris

Make America 8-8 again

7-11 and 9-11 are two very different issues involving Saudis overstaying their visas.

“Fuck. So close.”

You're a good lookin' man. Very pretty. Real soft, delicate features. They're real feminine, you know, which is good for me, because that would be a simple sort of transition. You know what I'm saying? Maybe throw a little rouge on you, tuck your sac back?"