Retirement, Day 1: Tom Brady goes on a coke bender and beats a pool store employee to death with a perfectly inflated football because they don’t carry white pool covers.

is this how most grown adults write email? bad spelling, missing punctuation, run-on sentences, etc? I am roughly Brady’s age and I still write emails like they are going to be graded for substance and structure. (Deadspin comments, not so much.) but, I am also a nitpicking asshole.

wat

Well, when you’re a grown up, you’ll prefer grown ups. For now, maybe Cody Simpson is more your speed?

What! Bite your damn tongue! Are you blind!?

Riiiight?!? I'm a straight, married dude but, God-DAMN this is a sexy guy. He's ridiculously handsome.

TAKE IT BACK, TAKE IT BACK

I’m just gonna go ahead and make this all about me. I too once graced maxim magazine. I worked for an ice cream shop and they had an advertiser come down and take ad photos of me and another girl dipping cones and eating ice cream for the local college flavor calendar. One of the shots had me and her licking the same…

The way that man wears a suit SHAMES me as a man.

Or an Asian James Bond.

The time has come. Black James Bond, please. #BlackJamesBond

Outtakes are needed.

UNGGGHHHH.

STOP HOARDING ALL THE HANDSOME YOU JERK

I can’t wait for the new Luther and am trying really hard to ignore they are making an American version. There is only one Luther and that’s my boyfriend Idris.

Good Lawd! Just what the doctor ordered on a Tuesday afternoon...

He’s exceedingly good-looking, but why is he wearing my Aunt Melba’s good Sunday coat?