It’s probably quicker to follow the Florida model, where you remove all books except the Bible and make faculty beg for individual titles to be returned, in front of a non-partisan stakeholder board consisting solely of white middle-class Christian activists.

Just tell him he won and that they’ve rescinded the order. Hold a press conference admitting that he has a bigger D than the entire Army and Marine Corps. But don’t change a thing - he’ll never check.

Hey! Dildos are humble but dedicated objects which bring harmless pleasure to many, which in my book means that they contribute much more to society than obscenely rich post-human wealth vacuums.

“Mr. Trump - if Joe Biden illegally signs an executive order banning abortion, will you commit to restoring American freedoms by recinding it on Day One of your presidency?”

Amazing that all of these thin-blue-line “thank you for your service” boot lickers simultaneously threaten to kill any cops sent to take their guns.

Something tells me that contracts above $200k require multiple bidders and due diligence to show that family members don’t work for the contractor.

I don’t know if it’s a mod as much as a style statement, but I nominate running around town with your red-painted recovery eyes screwed in to advertise that you’re such a bad driver that you endlessly end up off track.

Maybe this fault explains why these trucks veer uncontrollably to the leftmost lane on highways, regardless of other traffic or conditions, until ten meters their exit.

“Please include the race, socioeconomic status and voting registration of the suspects, and forward a copy to the State Christian Morality Militia.”

Given the insurance company’s claim not to have flown the drone, but merely to have seen drone photos, my guess is that one his neighbours was sick of the mess and found an innovative way of messing with him by dobbing him in to the insurers, who were happy to play along.

The data for that section of road might be a bit blurry for the next few months.

The Meg 2: Electric Megaloo.

Probably because he’s already written the press release claiming that he won, that he overturned the entire Democrat philosophy, and should be made President for Life. And his supporters will lap it up without listening to the debate.

Hey, George Washington never took a commercial flight. Stonewall Jackson never took a commercial flight. No plantation slave owner ever took a commercial flight.

What could be more fiscally responsible than running a simple con to get other people to fund you lifestyle for no return?

Texas also says that tennis balls are a commie European metric comparison and that for an American audience, you have to use Imperial baseballs.

Does this really have Mythbusters-style golfball dimples for aerodynamic efficiency?

I wonder what Xerox will say about it. 

When your job is to vote the party line without question, I guess there’re very few disqualifying factors.

Deter thieves.