Somewhere out there is a little black mentality disabled lesbian who gets to use ALL the bad words.

You have passed the reading comprehension test and successfully restated the main points of the article above. Well done?

It was a ersatz fact.

I thought it was James Franco’s character from Spring Breakers magically come to life. Or just James Franco.

With a layer of Axe Body spray over all of that.

This is a more forgiving assessment than mine.

FuUuUuck Kevin Lyman.

Every single time I see his face, all I can think is that he probably smells like stale beer, old cigarettes and Doritos residue.

My mother told me to never judge a book by its cover, but of course this dude sexually assaults women.

This is almost as shocking as last week’s revelation that Roseanne Barr might be a little bit racist.

Maybe bad, maybe good, but you'll definitely get what you wanted. Sort of like at Wal-mart.

Yeah, pretty much.

So I only know the story and the films from AV Club's write-ups, but the storyline sounds exactly like "conservative sexual mores": if you insist on searching out sexual pleasure, and greater pleasure after greater pleasure, eventually you will get dragged though the puzzle box for an eternity of torture in hell.…

The enthusiasm of your comment is refreshing, but I feel like the world may have a few too many Clive Barker films, rather than too few. Barker himself isn't responsible for most of them, of course, but I'd rather see new shit from people influenced by Barker than more adaptations of his stories for the screen.

He'd probably happily retire and take up scrimshawing (well, using living people's bones) if people stopped trying to open it.

I hadn't when I saw it, but I wasn't especially puzzled.
But I've always been pretty well informed about a range of things in which I lack personal experience.
I am the Internet.

Only the first movie is any good.

He's not really a gimmick in the way other franchise monsters are—he's just the personification of some crazy sex-hell dimension. He doesn't have a motivation himself, people just keep fucking with that puzzle box.

You lookin for candyman bitch?

He's not even Barker's best monster. Candyman has a death grip on that honor.