The cat’s name is Sneaky Pie Brown.

You wore it better! She looks like my grandma’s bedspread.

I have never seen her un-Photoshopped. For someone with a skincare line (and that’s why I feel this is fair game), her skin looks terrible!

“Calabasas” means “pumpkins” in Spanish. I wish everyone would just start calling it Pumpkins from now on.

Andy Richter attended the high school where Hastert was wrestling coach just a year or so after Hastert left. He said the La-Z-Boy chair where Hastert would watch the boys shower was still there in the locker room. It makes me so happy to think of Hastert in prison. Too bad it took so long!

Clearly the producers invented the Munchausen storyline—I think because of the interest generated by the fake cancer storyline of RHOC. These women are too stupid to have heard of it before (and that goes for “the hairdresser” too). The ONLY great unmentionable of any RH franchise is that you must never allude to the…

The “daddy”/“baby” part of this whole thing is so creepy. Call it modern all you want, but meditate a while on the terminology and thentell me how that’s OK.

I had an ‘82 Oldsmobile (a Delta 88 and yes, it was old lady’s car—I got it from my grandma) and it was GREAT. Impervious to any assault. I called it Das Boot.

But remember! Putting a lot of shit on your skin can also freak out your skin, leading you to put more shit on your skin. Be careful now. Sometimes minimal is best: I cleanse my face (double duty as moisturizer) with a cotton ball soaked in Trader Joe’s olive oil. The cotton ball does juuuuust enough exfoliation. That…

I LIVE in Swank Poodletown. Look how swank he is!

The little girl had just murdered her sister and was about to murder the baby! She had to go. Also the sick people were about to infect the rest of the people in the prison, and then they’d all be dead. What would be psychopathic pre-zombie apocalypse is just pragmatic in the new world.

Tom Ford has said that his Black Orchid is meant to smell like a crotch.

I really WANTED to believe. But on me it smelled like gerbil bedding. PS anybody who is curious about it (and not in NYC to sniff at Barneys) can can order a sample vial from Le Labo. You have to pay for shipping of tiny vials but it was worth it to me not to have dropped $175!

I wonder if his hair dyed in this bro picture or in the courtroom? In either case—ugh.

How real is she, really, if she photoshops the fuck out of every photo, though?

The seasonal (egg, tree, what-have-you) Reese’s peanut butter is actually is made from a different AND BETTER formula than than the everyday circular one.

Mustardy dressing. Fantastic.

The mayo is mixed with melted butter (and the cheeses, and garlic). You can’t taste the mayo.

The first thing I made from this was the armadillo garlic bread, which does not contain armadillo but mayo mixed with butter and two kinds of cheese, along with the garlic. The armadillo part refers to a genius cutting technique which allows you to pull off cheesey/garlicky/buttery wads of hot calories. Fucking…

“Helping heaping of ageism” every day on Jez, too. I guess none of these people is ever going to get older?