Hahaha I was 29 and went to the beach for a weekend with my boyfriend (now husband). I called my mom from the beach to tell her.

I probably had alcohol poisoning when I was 15. I passed out and my lips started to turn blue. For some unknown reason the kids we were with wouldn’t call 911 or drop me off at the hospital, so my best friend took care of me all night.

Mom drug stories are the best. Once in college I asked my mom when she and my dad stopped smoking pot (because I know they didn’t smoke up when I was growing up, but I also know that a lot of their friends never quit), and she stammered something about obviously not while I was pregnant with you and your sister, but…

FOR FUCK’S SAKE THERE IS NO-FAULT DIVORCE NOW YOU FUCKUP

“Wellll...someone offered me a line, and I took it.”

My mom told me she tried cocaine once by accident. I’m like, “Wait a second, Mom, how do you accidentally do coke? Did you think it was meth?”

I was about 12 when I’d decided I was going to be a Paleontologist (I’m not, btw, but that’s not the point.)

After a particularly horrific breakup my mother was my rock. We were very close. One afternoon my emotionally abusive ex was a lunch with a date. I wasn’t at the restaurant but my mother and her friends were.

When I announced to my mother that my boyfriend and I were had found an apartment and were moving in together, she asked, “But did his mom say it was okay?” as if I’d asked permission for a play date.

We were out after my birthday dinner and my mom is MOM DRUNK aka a bottle of red wine into the night. We’re walking to the car and she’s like “what does ismin parking mean? Eeeeeesmin.....iiiiismin....”

See, I’ve never heard of a Dutch Baby before, but when I Googled it, I realized I know it as a pannekoeken, which used to be a treat when my folks would take us to the Pannekoeken Huis restaurant, which is just a Minnesota thing, I guess.

This is horrible, yes. But I may have to steal this to get out of a bad date:

Reading the linked stories, he didn't want to be out to his Baptist congregation- which makes no sense, either, if he was going to run off and marry one of his boyfriends (he had two: one in the U.S. and one in Europe).

I’m pretty sure that most of the time when people murder or assault or whatevs someone else it’s not usually super well thought out, but I’m really not getting the logic behind this one.
If you can’t divorce her because that’s a sin/you’ll lose your church and kids or what have you, why would murdering her be any…

Man, his secret boyfriend must be pretty fucking twisted if he read that and didn’t back away slowly with a look of horror on his face.

My wife is gay, which is why I married her. Not a diabetic, but maybe she’s got a secret affair I don’t know about and she’s poisoning my Topamax sprinkle with arsenic while I’m not looking. Doubt it, though.

There is only one way I could become legally ‘single’ and I have to wait until God grants me that gift.

Divorce is a sin. Wives are just women.

Who knew that not controlling your blood sugar could lead to being stabbed by your secretly gay pastor husband? Checking my level ... right ... now.

Damn. Murdering her is so much better of an idea that just divorcing her?