Dear Gizmodo,

I’m glad the medics are getting practice to prepare for the flood of Cubs fans that will jump off ledges in October.

Always tryna get at that 2nd Amendment.

I studied abroad in Dublin, and on my first weekend in the country, I met an Irish chick at a bar, and totally made out with a side of some good ole’ fashioned “over-the-pants stuff” right there in the pub.

“Ugh...tell me about it." - MJ's Dad

Notable predictions from Stephen A. Smith’s ancestors:

Going 0-for-6 makes Smith kind of like the opposite of Michael Jordan, but to be fair, Michael was pretty bad at gambling too.

God is so good.

Icelander here!

But, what about tucked into the back of your collar?

The last one was over 40 years ago. Too long to care.

You just had to goat there.

This will be great in 2128 when the Cubs are lamenting that fateful 2016 tattoo by some random twitter dude. “The Curse of the Bad Tattoo” and they’ll still be living the horrible dream they’re living now.

I’m ready for a balanced, relaxed discussion that acknowledges both parties wrong doings, and how vehicular homicide is never a permissable solution.

Yeah, but would they have beaten the 1951-1952 Minneapolis Lakers?! Mikan in his prime? Forget it!

I prefer to think that declining enrollment simply meant more families were choosing to send their children to local, public wizard day schools rather than paying all the extra to send them off to a fancy private boarding school.

If they wanted to keep Drake out of the arena, maybe they shouldn’t have named the team the Toronto Rapstars, Tom. Because rap is the style of singing Drake is most known for, and he happens to be one of the biggest Rapstars in what young people refer to as, “the game.” It’s not Drake the Rapstar’s fault that you…

I can help!

“That’s not how you play hide the cigar...”

They may be smart in the lab, but in the real world they’re utterly obnoxious and eat garbage, they are the nerds-living-in-their-moms-basement of the bird world.