Oh hell yes. Can you imagine, getting home, tired from a shitty day of work and getting greeted by an enthusiastic bear hug ? (of love, not of shreddy gory death)

It’s the rich old man’s version of “get off my lawn!”

Why are rich white conservatives always trying to keep people out of golf courses? Women, Blacks, Jews, and now Mexican people? You know you’re winning a fight when they start tantruming about the golf course.

Is “watching submarine races” a thing people say when they go to a spot to have sex?

Okay, so remember the guy who dumped me at his family reunion? About five months later, I stopped by for the ol’ picking-up-the-crap-you-left-at-your-ex’s-place-but-want-back visit. Now, he’d bought a house earlier that year, and while it was perfectly nice, he was doing a complete renovation. When we were together,…

I think I would be upset if most of my exes got engaged (I’m on okay terms with like two of them), but not because I love them deeply or anything. It would be because I find them to be entirely loathsome individuals and I want them to be alone and preferably miserable forever.
I am not as nice as I pretend to be.

On the opposite side of the spectrum, I expect amazing celebrations for my birthday. But I orchestrate them myself because I’m a grown-ass adult. “No cards or gifts please: just come to my home and imbibe all this lovely alcohol I’ve purchased for all of us as we dance and karaoke and game.”

Núñez. Not Nunez. Please correct.

Yeah, I liked the "before" much more.

I KNOW! Everyone looks like Marilyn Monroe in red lipstick and I look like Ronald McDonald.

Nope! Try Nars Dragon Girl. I read here on Jezebel once many moons ago that it "looks great on everyone". I didn't believe it, but I bought it. Turns out, it looks as great on my ruddy, freckled self as it does on my biracial best friend as it does on my olive-toned other best friend.

Yeah! I was wondering why she didn’t just swim the fuck away from the manatee. It’s going like two miles per hour, probably stopping along the way to chew on some sea grass or something.

Can we all agree to start calling her "Melanoma Mom", instead?

I have a theory about people who become wildly successful/famous on the level that Steve has achieved: their relationship with their past, pre-fame and success, is an either or proposition. Either they embrace it. Or they shed it like a snake sheds its skin, leaving it in the middle of the road, to dry up and blow…

There are two wonderful things happening here in this story: