It’s nice to know that even in the zombie apocalypse, the South still completely loses its shit in a snowstorm.

Trump made things worse but I really don’t want to let the rest of the party and their rich donors off the hook. The Republican Party made a conscious decision to spread bigotry and fear as a way of winning elections. Every single Republican in my lifetime has been a bigot or happy to pander to bigots. Bigotry is a…

But remember folks: Trump isn’t the cause of this. It’s just tough talk from a tough man speaking truth to power and draining that swamp!

I imagine the vast majority of U.S. citizens are “centrists.”

Then why doesn’t Bernie run in the Republican Primary?

“Black guys counting my money! I hate it. The only kind of people I want counting my money are short guys that wear yarmulkes every day.”

“But, but, but...those are the good Jew stereotypes.”

[Bill Shine as he walks out the door...]

“You’re not going to support me because I don’t want your money. Is there anyone in this room who doesn’t negotiate deals? Probably more than any room I’ve ever spoken.”

NOTES FROM A FUCKING MORONIC SOCKPUPPET TROLL:

Here at Splinter, we pride ourselves on calling out politicians for their errors, no matter who they are screwing over Democratic candidates and helping their Republican opponents win.

Our tipster tells us that Sessions, who is named after the president of the Confederacy...

Also shows how terrible Alabama must be that he’d rather still be in DC at the museum than back home.

It’s a pretty great museum and doesn’t flinch when talking about atrocities. He was probably pissed because he didn’t see any wampum or scalps.

Aide: “Sir, as part of your Senate Again strategy, today we’ll be visiting the American Indian Museum for a photo op.”

Saint Bernie! He can do no wrong. They’re going to play purity police again and F’k everything up.

Will it be Bernie when he finally decides to run?

I’ve lost track of which candidate Splinter is actually supporting for Democratic nominee. Alexandria is too young to run in 2020, Beto is cheesy, Warren is definitely out because of her DNA test, Tulsi Gabbard’s homophobic past is the end of the road for her chances (as it should be)... Is it “none of the above” for…

He’s not *you know who.* Anyone that isn’t *you know who* will always be treated with increased skepticism and scrutiny, despite how they were Bieber’s previously.

It’d be funny if after all this, he didn’t declare himself in - and it turns out he was just having a good time and free-riding off the extra attention given him. 

Seriously, did Beto piss in the Cheerios of Splinter writers or something?