Picture yourself:

Oh God, this gives me terrible flashbacks. I once went on some internet date with a guy who insisted we go to an amusement park on our first date. I repeatedly told him I'd rather just meet for coffee, but he kept talking about how much fun we'd have and how it'd be an adventure. I relented. This was a mistake.

That guy wasn't even the worst. I went through a six-dude stretch where it seemed like the only guys who messaged me on OKC were comedians. You know who the most miserable men in NYC are? Late twenties to early thirties comedians who haven't made it big! They hate famous comedians for being famous and they hate th…

Oh, I get that some people are dog people, others cat people. And there are rodent people, etc. And I understand allergies, of course. But any pet that you or your partner have when you meet are grandfathered in.

One of the many moments I knew fiancé was a keeper was about a month into dating; I was considering adopting two kittens and asked him how he felt about cats (because I was already pretty sure we were going to fall in love, so I figured his opinion should be considered).

This story sums up my OkC experience as well. I actually had so many bad dates with "actors" that I stopped agreeing to dates with actors entirely. I don't know if I only attracted douchebag-y actors or what the deal was, but there are only so many times that I can trek to Wicker Park only to have some dude in…

Oh sincere Twitter overtures to celebrities is a biggie.

I once had an "Actor" show up to a date still wearing lipstick from his job (singing carols at a christmas market...nice acting, broham) and then proceed to criticize me for wearing too much makeup. He also said "Your pictures didn't suggest you'd be fat" and I was like "I literally have a full body shot on okcupid.…

I just admitted to my two girlfriends via group chat that I had a romantic dream about Diego, the saber tooth tiger from Ice Age. (It was pregnancy hormone induced.)

Fact: My current boyfriend, also white, on our first date...I saw a man walk by with dreadlocks and this exchange occurred.

Me: [unable to hide overexaggerated grimace]
Him: What?
Me: Oh, sorry, it's just a white guy with dreadlocks walked by.
Him: What's wrong with that?
Me: Well, besides that hairstyle looking invariably…

Ugh, as an actual historian, like, with degrees and all that jazz, armchair historians are the most annoying people on earth. Oh, please tell me more about the names and important dates about dead white dudes. So stimulating.

This is just a place for OKCupid horror stories, right? I'm in!

I think he's in for a surprise, because a really sizable portion of women in my general age group had a crush on the Robin Hood who was literally and figuratively a fox.

I was once sort-of/almost dating a girl who found out I had dogs, a cat, and a bird, and very seriously told me if we were going to have an actual relationship, I would have to "get rid of them".

People who snidely correct your use of the English language, doubly so when they're actually wrong. Anyone who mocks your childhood crushes.

Mine are so boring. Single dads. Guys who don't like my cat and can't be quiet about it. Guys who take religion more seriously than attending a holiday celebration or two. Guys who aren't into giving oral sex.

Didn't believe in vaccinations. Ended it right there.

When men wear those oversized tank tops where the arm hole goes super low and shows their sides. Especially the homemade from giant t-shirt kind. Pasty side ribcage is not for me.

Throwing garbage out of car windows. Not a cigarette. Like oh I'm done with ____ rolls down window and tosses. I dated a girl who did this and was so instantly turned off because I actually didn't know grown up humans did such things.

It's never come up, but I could never be with someone who didn't love animals or who expected me to give up my pets.