if it helps, I feel like a turd that I DO get the joke

The signing of such a high-profile contract is bound to have its detractors, but I am not one of them. Congrats to the whole Deadspin staff on this momentous occassion!

I’m sad only because we won’t get to experience the joy of finding out he died ever again.

This absolutely does not make up for Chris Cornell.

Also, Melania is troubled by “the vapors” and Eric Trump is so vexed by bad humors in his blood that not even leeching by the Trump Concierge Barber Service has helped

Dear Republicans,

<Typical anti-fanboy response demeaning you for defending Nintendo>

<Typical fanboy response defending Nintendo>

Takes Deitsch to task for this:

Cool, I’m gonna buy it and play as my hometown team!

The impetus for me was the onset of the 24-36 hour hangover. It was then that I surrendered

Why doesn’t the NBA mind the player-for-a-day thing when it comes to Derrick Rose?

DAMN

Yeah but coal mining is pretty sweet if you own a coal mining company.

Exactly. Now, if we could just bring in factories producing solar panels or wind turbines and retrain the coal miners to work there for better conditions, safety, and future for their families . . . nah, that would make too much sense. And plus, the GOP would have to admit that climate change exists.

Getting rid of environmental regulations to save coal jobs is like getting rid of animal abuse laws to save the horse and buggy industry when cars were invented.

Canada sees those tiny hands. Canada still loves (some of) you. Canada’s vast northern reaches of frozen tundra will welcome you in five years when everything below the 49th parallel has melted.