The password was probably ‘turtle’. Just turtles all the way down.

Do they also wear Crocs?

He’s definitely not Carol in HR

Those are definitely Big Macs.

This story was so depressing I had to watch the Gummy Bears theme song 10 times just to find some happiness again.

I’m still convinced she’s actually a collection of snakes writhing beneath a sheath of “lifelike” skin controlled by a demonic snake wrangler. 

What about Mac and Me?

You must be a joy to be around.

Don’t assume my party affiliation because I don’t want to hear the cause you’re behind this week while having a light read on the internet.

It’s more like saying I disagree with slavery, then buying shrimp that may have been sourced by slaves. Also it was meant as a joke, not a point to be be made because like so many of my fellow Americans, we just don’t care.

Jesus Christ does everything have to be tied to a cause. Sometimes you just want to pig out on shrimp until you puke.

It’s just the kindling. The real warmth comes from the collective hate glares.

Now you must listen to the whole thing.

She had all the cancer like Batista eats all the fudge.

I tried the LI iced tea they had on $1 special and they were incredibly short with a TON of ice and a server who was in no hurry to give you refills.  I managed to drink three during our meal and felt not even a buzz.  More like I’d just gargled tequila flavored Coke.

Here’s the one I use every Thanksgiving to the delight of all those attending:

I was hoping you’d tell them to take the tip they intended to leave, light it on fire at the table, and warm themselves over their server’s loss in wages and the burning stares of all the civilized people around them who always tip 20% or more.

“I’m going to the dunny to murder a brown snake.”

Australians...they’re the worst.

Yes, it’s a real thing, but you must dress like a cow to get the free sandwich.